


Happy in My harbour

by CosmosChroniker



Series: More stern and bloody [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Dreams and Nightmares, F/M, LOWAA, M/M, Post-EriSolSprite, sort of, sort of pale erisol, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-09-20 12:40:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 34,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9491324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CosmosChroniker/pseuds/CosmosChroniker
Summary: A side-story to More Stern and Bloody Than the Centaurs' Feast. Eridan is struggling to come to terms to living post-game and post-erisolsprite, and having to face the ghosts of his actions across a myriad of timelines. Sollux is finding himself rolling his double-yous and dreaming of terrible blinding-white wraiths that keep coming to attack him no matter how many he shoots down. Two old enemies and unwilling body-sharers try to negotiate a friendship of sorts.





	1. a Departure

**Author's Note:**

> Yep that's right I'm popping up again like a bad penny bringing ever more angst in my wake. This is a side-story to "More Stern and Bloody Than the Centaurs' Feast", but can (hopefully) be read as a stand alone. I always wanted to delve into what Eridan was up to while the whole greusome Cronus/ Porrim/ Kankri story unfolded, and this has been in the back of my head for far too long. Props to Vesta for encouraging me to get it written as for (as always) editing my awful awful apeelling and grammar.
> 
> It's been a long time since I've written fic, and the first time I've properly tried my hand at writing Sollux so /please/ let me know where I've gone wrong or slipped out of character xxx

The “holding world” the game had dumped its players on while the universe rebooted was… interesting to say the least. Aradia said it was a bare, barren expanse stretching out to the horizon in all directions, with various homes and hives scattered seemingly randomly across the miles – but with convenient transportaliser links keeping them somewhat close.

“The air’s cold and quite dry… and there’s lots of these weird hollow cave structures… which I am _dying_ to explore.” Aradia said emphatically – aware that Sollux was only half paying attention. She lay on the human bed the game had supplied along with a recuperacoon while he hunched over his computer terminal, trying to set up his desktop so he could get on with the task of setting up chat links and a rudimentary internet.

They had only been on the planet a few days – but since he had found his hive Sollux hadn’t seen fit to venture out once.

_Why do I need to? People don’t stop dropping by to bug me about their husktops…_

Actually that wasn’t fair – Feferi and Aradia kept popping by to make sure he was doing necessary things like eating and sleeping – and the human girl Roxy had come by that morning to offer her aid with the monumental task ahead of him. She knew her stuff. _And two heads are better than one_ , he thought with a smirk, unable to resist the dualistic quip.

“Sollux… have you noticed you only lisp half the time now?” She asked quietly – the whiplash change of topic catching him off guard.

“I – wwhat?”

“…Yeah and there’s that too.”

“There’th _what_?”Sollux growled, trying desperately to stop the flush creeping up his cheeks to no avail.

“You can play up your lisp all you like, we both heard you roll that doubleyou.” Aradia said, grinning.

“I… oh fuck it. Yeah, that’s started happening since we finished the game.”

“In how many timelines did you two become the nightmare sprite?”

“I dunno. Too many. Ugh.” Sollux scrubbed at his face.

The change in speech patterns wasn’t the only thing he’d inherited from his time as erisolsrpite (the very thought of the weird creature he had become for a while in so many timelines made him shiver). There was the awful angel dreams. The taste for raw fish and other seadweller delicacies. And the horrible aching loneliness he tried to ignore that would claw it’s way up is throat whenever he was left alone for too long.

“Actually…  I should go visit him.” He said suddenly, the thought of the loneliness raw in his memory.

“You wanna go visit Eridan?” Aradia asked, her tone unreadable.

“… As unbelievable as it sounds, yep.”

“…Good for you.” She said, giving him her widest smile.

 

***

 

“Eridan?” Sollux called in the gaping doorway to Eridan’s shipwrecked hive.

The hull of the ship was bleak and cold, the sparse furnishings not exactly making the place feel homely… and yet Sollux could feel the tug of his shared memories again. This _was_ home.

“Eridan?” he called again, using his psionics to light the gaping room a little better.

“Your hive’s a pain in the arse to get to – you could at least greet your guests!”

He whipped round at the sound of feet on stairs, and suddenly Eridan’s pale face appeared in the doorway at the far end of the room.

“Hi.” Eridan managed, waving a hand awkwardly. Sollux noticed the rings that usually bedecked his fingers were not in evidence.

“Hi.” Sollux replied flatly. Is felt weird to see Eridan, even if he couldn’t quite articulate why.

_It’s because you’re used to thinking of him as you. As us._

He shook that thought away.

What was almost weirder was that they had died at 6 sweeps old, but the game had aged them to 8 sweeps - so they matched their friends who had actually grown up – before dumping them on the holding planet. It had taken Sollux a while to get used to his new body – he had only grown a little taller, but the planes of his face had changed so he sometimes didn’t quite recognise himself in the mirror- and his horns were longer and heavier so he had to be careful not to do his own neck in while hunched over the computer.

Eridan seemed to have had it worse – he was at least a foot taller than he had been in the game, and was rake thin, his fins larger and gills darker than Sollux had ever seen them.

The growth spurt had ruined his style, too, it seemed, as Eridan stood before him now in plain black tracksuits. No doubt his usual trousers were ludicrously small on his new stretched-out frame.

“Can I… get you something? A drink?”

“Sure. Whatever you’ve got will be fine. But if you’ve got anything with caffeine in that’d be great.”

Their words sounded hollow and stilted in the echoey expanse of Eridan’s hive.               

 _Why is it so hard to talk? We used to share_ thoughts _._ Sollux thought exasperatedly as Eridan busied himself making coffee.

Sollux watched him as he worked, trying to fight down an urge to walk over and touch him.

_That’s probably… normal – after you’ve shared a body with someone – right?_

Sollux contented himself with taking a long look at Eridan while he busied himself with mugs and kettle. Something was wrong, judging by the bags under his eyes and the tense set of his jaw – but Sollux would rather burn his own brain out than ask.

_This is KK’s area of expertise – not mine._

When Eridan finished making the coffee, he nodded to the little cluster of chairs and sofa around a stove-fire and Sollux sat down – unable to miss the shaking of Eridan’s hands as the cups clattered in their saucers.

“So. New world.” Sollux said, as Eridan settled perched on the edge of the sofa, looking like _he_ was the uncomfortable visitor.

Eridan nearly choked on his sip of coffee as he jumped to answer, but couldn’t find many words.

“Yeah.”

“You enjoying being alive again?” Sollux tried, the tiny note of sarcasm worming into his voice unintentionally.

“Yeah.” Eridan whispered, the downturn of his lips suggesting something else.

They sat and sipped their tea and Sollux thought about the things he desperately wanted to say –

 

_I remember the angels, the abject terror, a pump- a heart – hammering fit to burst._

_I remember an awful aching need for acceptance, for reassurance._

_I remember the blow of abandonment_

_I remember terrible grief and shame and fury -_

None of the words he wanted made it out of his mouth, however, so he jumped to the one piece of news he had to offer.

“There’s going to be a meeting later – just to sort of… see how everyone’s doing. Did you see the memo?”

“Yeah.” Eridan’s jaw tightened further and Sollux almost wanted to just yell “ _what’s wrong!? Talk to me!”._ Almost. But he wasn’t ready for an Ampora feelings jam.

_Especially when I’m still pretty sure I hate the guy…_

“Well are you going?” The sarcasm laced every word now, but Sollux’s ever-small patience was almost worn out.

“I..” Eridan dropped his gaze to the cup clenched in his thin fingers. “I was… I was thinking about it.”

The memories came back to Sollux unbidden – _shame, fear, guilt…_

“Oh. Well…. Uh you know no-one’s mad at you, right? Everyone did dumb things in any number of timelines, and highbloods are pretty much programmed to… you know.”

 _Am… am I defending him now??_ Sollux groaned internally and Eridan scowled as though reading his thoughts.

“My heads full of your stupid memories Sol – I know what you think of me. I know what Fef’s said, i… I don’t think I’m ready to-”

“Oh bullth- bull _shit!”_ Sollux yelled slamming his cup down on the coffee table harder than he meant to, “Okay I’ve thought some less-than-complimentary things about you in my time, but I’m _here_ aren’t I?? Come to the meeting with me. It’ll be fine. Relax.”

Eridan put his cup down primly and looked like he might come back with something biting – but at the last second his face seemed to collapse and he just whispered, “You sure?”

“Yes, _idiot._ ” 

Eridan managed a half smile and Sollux grinned back.

_What a fucking ridiculous situation. 6 sweep old me would never believe I’d be in Ampora’s hive – let alone trying to cheer him the fuck up._

“Now what computer games have you got in the weird old hive? I’m not making small talk for the next few hours since we’re obviously both shit at it.”

Eridan snorted and started tidying away their cups. “I was more of a FLARP kid myself – but I’ve got Cyvasse. It’s a war strategy board game.”

Eridan caught Sollux’s expression.

“…Or I could put a movie on?”

“Yeah do that.”

Eridan laughed out loud and flipped him off.

They settled together on the sofa to watch some epic history-romance thing, and Sollux split his attention between the action unfolding on screen and the messages on his phone, in order to distract himself from the ache inside his chest that, quietly but insistently, told him he was half of a person and needed to push himself closer to Eridan to ease the pain.

 

***

 

The meeting was meant to be held on the plain they had all been unceremoniously dumped on when first appearing on the planet. But after ten minutes it was clear that the winds were too cold and too loud for anyone to be able to concentrate – and Aradia quickly suggested they moved to one of the nearby cave structures she had explored.

Those who had gathered – most of the beta trolls, a few of the alphas, and all humans arranged themselves in a ragged circle and began to talk at once about who had found their hives and who wanted to trade movies and games. Eridan tried to tune into the conversation at first, but he had Sollux sitting next to him – and beyond him was Fef, laughing and chiming in excitedly.

Across the circle was a stony faced Kanaya, and next to her Karkat – who seemed to be resolutely ignoring Eridan.

“I don’t think we should put it off anymore.” Kanaya said suddenly, standing up. “Karkat if you won’t say it I will. Eridan-“

Eridan froze, suddenly feeling all the eyes in the room turn upon him.

“Look.” Kanaya said coldly, fixing him in her stare like a rabbit in headlights. “Gamzee agreed to give up his clubs until he was in a more stable place-“

“Oh don’t.” Sollux said quickly, half standing in alarm, raising one arm protectively in front of Eridan, “Don’t-”

“Oh don’t protect him.” Kanaya snapped, “Look I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but we fell apart in so many timelines but this is _real life._ If we die now _we die._ Forever. Look, we’ve discussed this!”

She looked around at –

 _At everyone._ Eridan thought numbly, _they’ve all been talking about me – how I can’t be trusted-_

“Look, Eridan, we’ve discussed it and everyone would feel more comfortable if you handed over your weapons.” Kanaya finished, her voice quiet but cutting across the cavern room.

Eridan looked at Karkat – who was flushing bright red, but wouldn’t meet his eye – then to Sollux, who gave him a pained look, then shrugged.

Eridan didn’t know what anyone would do if he refused.

He stood stiffly to his feet, feeling all eyes in the room followed him. The room was deathly quiet now, and he was sure everyone could hear the pounding of his heart and the crackle of his throat as he swallowed.

“We’ll keep them safe,” the Rose human said, standing up beside Kanaya, “We just don’t want any trouble on this planet – however long we’re here for.”

_Trouble. That’s me – trouble._

He caught sight of Vriska’s wide smirk in his peripheral vision and a profound sense of injustice bloomed in his chest – _Vriska killed! Terezi killed!! Kanaya killed! We all-_

But what good would it do to protest?

Forcing his hands to stay steady he decaptchalogued his tridents and other seafaring weapons used for Orphaning, handed over his handguns and ammunition. Then, taking a second to hold the comforting weight of Ahab’s Crosshairs in his hands, he ran his fingers over the smooth workings of the rifle.

_I found this – I won this – it’s part of my fate- it’s mine -_

He handed it over.

He turned and went to go sit down, burning in humiliation and tingling with anxiety – when Kanaya coughed.

“…What?” he croaked.

“Is that everything?”

“Yes.”

“…No wand?”

“I don’t have it. You broke it.” _Before you killed me._

“Wonderful. Sit down.”

_Yes lusus._

Eridan managed to sit down even though he felt like he was submerged in clouds – his vision blurring and air coming thick and choking.

“I’m sorry – I didn’t know they would going to do that.” Sollux was whispering frantically. “Are you okay –? Seriously I wasn’t involved in that conversation – I didn’t know – I wouldn’t have – ah fuck, _fuck-”_

“It’s okay,” Eridan said thickly, “It’s okay.”

People had started to talk again, a murmur raising to a cacophony. 

People’s words starting to blend into one another’s, until the cavern was filled with a meaningless barrage of sounds – and Eridan could feel the pressure closing in around him as though he had dived into the cold deep abysses of the sea…

_I can’t do this, I can’t do this – I have to get out of here-_

Sollux’s warm hand grabbed his sleeve.

“I can _feel_ you panicking. It’s okay. Chill out.” He muttered, and Eridan nodded dumbly, but the panic stayed, a cold bubble in his chest compressing his lungs.

Sollux slipped his hand into Eridan’s and squeezed tight. The gesture wasn’t as comforting as Sollux might have thought it was but at the same time it was grounding.

_One person doesn’t completely hate you. One person’s got you._

 

After a while the talk moved onto whether everyone should stick to their usual habits – trolls being nocturnal and humans being diurnal – or if the trolls should try coming out in the daytime since the sun here didn’t burn them – and after that conversation was abandoned unresolved, Vriska called for a break.

“I’m gunna go,” Eridan muttered to Sollux, “I don’t feel well – thank you though, for - … thank you.”

Sollux gave him a hard look, “Actually you do look a bit shit – go have a lie down.”

Eridan nodded gratefully and ducked out of the cave.

He made it five steps before the panic overtook him, doubling him over and making him whoop in huge breaths and shiver violently.

“Dramatic as ever I see.” A snide voice said from behind him, and he whipped round, arms raised to bring up a weapon he no longer had.

“Wow nice. Thought you might be over the whole ‘murdering your friends’ thing but ok.” Vriska’s blue eyes were icy cold.

“What’re you doing out here?” he managed to choke out, knotting his arms over his chest and biting his lip bloody to keep his tears from spilling.

_Not in front of her. Not in front of Vriska fucking Serket._

“Had to piss. Hence I called for the break… What the fuck are you doing?”

“Nothing.” He ground out.

She laughed – a short, sharp bark of a laugh.

“More like, playing the drama queen in the hope that someone’ll come outside and pap you.”

“Fuck you.” He ground out, but not before she could burst into peals of delighted laughter at her own joke.

“I’m right aren’t I? Is this your new plan? You can’t hit on anyone without them turning away in disgust so you’re going to – what? _Pathetic_ your way into someone’s heart? Guilt someone into being your friend?”

“Fuck off.” Eridan could feel his heart hammering in his chest and his head was swimming, “What – what have I ever done to you anyway?”

“Oh nothing, you were a fairly tame kismesis-

“I was _six_ -”

“But I thought a murderer could take a joke.”

 _Murderer._ The word felt like a sheet of ice sliding down his back.

“ _You’ve killed too.”_

Vriska smirked and walked towards him,

“Yes Eridan, but you’ll notice I still have friends, people still care about me. That’s why I haven’t been called out as a criminal. That’s why I still have my dice. I’m still worth something.”

She cupped his face gently in her hands and whispered,

“I mean no one liked you _before_ but we can all stop pretending to tolerate you now -”

Eridan shoved her away and stumbled off in the direction of the nearest transportaliser, trying to ignore the harsh peals of laughter that followed him. He found it blindly, somehow, and held himself together just long enough for it to whisk him away and dump him on the beach before his hive. The second his feet hit sand he crumpled to the ground and took deep shaky breaths, curling his hands into fists in the wet sand as if it would clutch him back if he just held on tight enough.

 _Pathetic._ Vriska’s voice whispered in his mind. _Drama queen._

He almost reached up to bite at his scarf when he realised he wasn’t wearing it – wasn’t wearing anything other than the plain trousers and shirt that was all still fit him from his grubhood wardrobe – and an awful aching hollowness opened in his stomach at the loss. The loss of his identity, his grubhood, his lusus, his friends, his future –

The wind blowing freezing cold through his thin shirt was enough to make him stand, still shaking and disoriented by emotion, and begin the long slippery walk over the rocky pathway that led through the surf and up to his hive. He moved with great effort, his limbs like lead, until he reached the main floor. He made it across the huge hull-turned-hall to the sofa and curled up on it, the heat of emotion cooling to numbness.

He lay there for a long time, until his eyelids began to droop, but before he could nod off completely his husktop chimed and a message popped up on the screen.

 

TA: 2o how are you 2pendiing twomorrow on thiis shiity excu2e for a planet?

TA: want two come over and teach me how to play that riidiculou2 2trategy game?

TA: iim tryiing out thiis new thiing AA keep2 telliing me about, called “optiimii2m”

TA: 2o iim u2iing my new optiimii2m 2kills to hope iit wiill be 2liightly more entertaiiniing than watching paiint dry

TA: wow check me out iim an optiimii2m WIIZARD

TA: oop2 2orry 2ore 2ubject

 

Eridan stared at the message and a tiny flicker of hope blossomed in his chest. How in the world it had come down to Sollux fucking Captor being his closest thing to a friend he didn’t know – or maybe he did. The memory of their tortured combined existence wasn’t exactly a comforting one, but he did feel the loss of Sollux’s consciousness like a weird void in his head; a phantom limb that itched in the way he sometimes became bored with his books the way he never would have in the past, the way he caught himself craving the shitty red-and-blue energy drinks surely only Sollux Captor could enjoy, and the way he sometimes willed something to his hand before he remembered he didn’t actually have psiionics.

 _Is that why he wants to hang out?_ Before he could of an answer, another, more pressing question came to mind: _Do I care what his reasons are?_

The answer to that was a definite “no”. He’d take any social interaction at this point – and was about to reply in the affirmative to Sollux’s offer when another message followed.

 

TA: or you could do 2omethiing actually fun

TA: you know, liike a normal per2on?

TA: come play viideo game2 wiith me, FF, AA and Roxy

TA: Roxy ii2 pretty good but FF and AA 2UCK

TA: and we need help iif we want two beat Mii2na and Latula.

TA: they keep 2erviing our a22es two us liike we’re on kiinky butler ii2land

 

Eridan froze. Fef would be there? And Aradia _and_ Roxy? The thought of that many people, let alone a group including Feferi made his breath hitch with anxiety just thinking about it.

 

CA: I wwon’t be much help there – more of a FLARP kid, remember?

CA: Maybe another time.

TA: faiir enough

TA:

TA: look, about earliier

CA: it’s fine, I get it

TA: iit2 not fiine! Iit2 categoriically not fiine! iit was a diick move!!!

TA: whiich you 2hould know, beiing the priince of diick moves

TA: ii wa2 expectiing you two get all drama queen about iit

TA: whiich by the way, you would have been totally ju2tiifiied iin doiing

TA: ii mean -

TA: oh ff2- look iil talk later. Iit2 a fuckiing hiive iinva2iion. wwiish everyone wwould just leave me alone.

TA: ju2t cu2 ii got thi2 2hiitty me22agiing 2y2tem up and runniing agaiin doe2n’t mean ii wa2

vvolunteeriing my tiime as the fuckiing planet techniiciian

 

Eridan started at the screen, Sollux’s use of the double “w” and “v” glaring out at him. Did Sollux always do that when he was riled up now? Did the hordes of people he constantly had vying for his attention notice..?

Eridan snorted humourlessly and shut the lid of his husktop.

He reached half-heartedly for the latest history book he was reading (In Which we Chronicle the Rise and Fall of the Glorious Rebellion of the […]), then let his arm fall back. He was suddenly exhausted, too tired to read or do anything much for that matter. He opted instead to curl up under a blanket on his sofa, with the flames from the little stove keeping back the cold of the sea all around him. It took him a while to get comfortable, as his new longer limbs still made him feel clumsy and overlarge, but after a while he began to doze off, the rhythmic slap of waves on the hull of his hive lulling him off to sleep as it always had in his grubhood…

 

After a while he opened his eyes and found Feferi smiling at him from across their pile, her laugh creasing her eyes under her goggles, her cold, smooth hands touching his arm gently. Eridan blinked. He didn’t remember the last time he’d been in a pile with Feferi… she’d broken their moirailship over Trollian and he’d never seen it coming, never known to savour the last time she’d smiled at him like this.

She said something, her bubbly voice seeming to come from miles away, and he felt a warmth in his chest that ached like nothing he’d felt before. He wanted to cry – she was _smiling_ at him, she seemed to _care_. He opened his mouth to try express how he felt – how sorry he was for what he’d done, how thankful he was she’d apparently forgiven him – but all that came out was a soft croak, before salty tears spilled down his cheeks.

Feferi cooed softly and reached across to wipe the tears away, her hands still cold, but the sensation of someone gently touching his skin burned. He clutched at her hand and she didn’t snatch it away – but actually pulled him closer. At he shifted slightly he registered how much the pile was digging into his skin. What were they lying on?  Why had they chosen so uncomfortable a pile -?

Once glance down was enough to turn his skin icy cold. Horns. They were lying on Gamzee’s horns. Which meant they were on the meteor, which meant this was a dream – and not even his own dream.

One look down at himself confirmed what he knew as the horror rose in his throat as bile. A ratty t-shirt with the Gemini symbol printed across it in mustard yellow ink. This was Sollux’s memory, which meant –

_Oh no no no – fuck no –_

He tried to clutch on to Feferi, to keep her head down, curled safely on their pile, but suddenly she was looking up, behind him, her face drawn and angry.

_No no – Fef, please, don’t –_

He couldn’t stop himself from turning his head- Sollux’s head – and found himself looking at himself, wand already decaptchalogued.

_No no fuck – please – don’t – don’t you fucking idiot –_

It hadn’t happened exactly like this, he was sure, although he tried to remember as little as possible about the events on the meteor. But this was how Sollux remembered the scene.

The dream-Eridan raised the wand, his eyes dark behind his glasses, and just as Eridan (Sollux?) moved to attack him, the dream-Eridan let out an awful screech and metamorphosed into a giant, white-wings wraith.

Sollux felt his knees buckle. Not angels. Please not angels.

He turned back to see if he could protect dream-Feferi somehow, but she was gone, and when he looked back he wasn’t on the meteor. He was on LOWAA. And he was alone.

The angel whirled around him, screeching and plucking at him with ghostly fingers, but Ahab’s Crosshairs were in his hands and Sollux had enough of Eridan’s memories to know how to use it.

“Fuck off!” He screamed, blasting wildly at the angel, one shot burning a gruesome hole in its wings. It screeched, the ear-splitting noise making Sollux want to claw his ears off, and he shot it again.

This time it was a clean head-shot, and he was just about to let out a sigh of relief, when the angel exploded into a hundred more. They whirled and dived at him, plucking at his skin and tearing lumps of flesh from his arms, his legs, his _face –_

He blasted angel after angel, but they kept coming, and their screeches drove him mad until he let Ahab’s Crosshair’s drop from his numb hands, slumped to his knees and joined them – screaming up at the sky, wishing it were over –

 

 

Sollux almost threw himself from his recuperacoon, and came into consciousness hacking and coughing sopor slime on his bedroom floor.

“Wow. When Aradia said daymares she really wasn’t kidding, was she?” Feferi said, a little reproachfully, poking out of the sopor slime Sollux had just so violently vacated.

“Oh man,” Sollux gasped, hacking up more spoor and trying to get his violently shaking limbs under control, “it’s those fucking angels Eridan had on his planet – fucking bastard _angels_ -!”

He stopped at Feferi’s expression.

“What?”

She giggled, “Oh Sollux it’s just – you sounded so much like him then. _The angels are so scary! No one understands!”_

Sollux frowned at her, but only for a second. “And what was your land again? _Sunshine and bubbles_?”

“Dew and Glass actually. And I was there for like two minutes. I didn’t go on a month-long sulk and murder my land’s consorts. Hence my deep and untroubled sleep. Well… untroubled until _now.”_

Sollux took the hint and left, not awake enough and still far too shaken to argue with Feferi. Eridan was the only thing they ever argued about. Before she used to argue that he shouldn’t fight him. Now she argued that he shouldn’t care about him.

_Just because you were mushed together – doesn’t make you his lusus. If you keep pandering to him you’re teaching him that being sulky and dramatic gets him attention!_

He scowled just thinking about it, then fumbled guiltily for his phone – realising he hadn’t messaged Eridan since … last week? Shit.

 

TA: so ii cant say iim iimpre22edd about exchangiing the voices of the 2oon-two-be-dead wiith your fuckiing angel dream2

TA: plea2e tell me you get these two and iim not 2lowley beiing trapped iin my own 2oliip2iistiic mutant-braiin p2ycho2ii2 

TA: …can ii just go ahead and coiin “2ollux2ii2tiic” riight now? iim taking that one all the way two the bank

TA:

TA: …ok ii cant tell iif youre iin the 2hower or 2omethiing or iif youre mad at me for not me22agiing 2ooner

TA: that wa2 kiinda 2hiity of me yeah

TA: fuck 2orry iim a pretty u2ele22 dude unle22 I have 2omeone 2traiight up naggiing me two do thiings

TA: ED?

TA: iin my defence iit was kiind of a crazy week but on the plu22iide the iinternet iis ba2iically a thiing agaiin now so frankly youre welcome.

 

He put his phone down on the nutritionblock counter, then let out a shaky breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding and hugged himself, squeezing his eyes closed tightly.

“Sollux, what is it? Angels again?” Aradia’s concerned voice came from the doorway and Sollux tried to smile at her – but it probably looked more like a grimace.

“I – yeah,” he said gruffly. “All I want is _one_ day of uninterrupted sleep – is that so much to ask for?”

“Hey,” she wrapped him in her soft arms, and he leant his head on her shoulder, trying not to get sopor on her shirt. “It’s okay. We’ll strengthen the slime tomorrow – see if that works, hmm?”

“Yeah. ‘K.” He mumbled, hugging her tightly to him and hoping she wouldn’t notice that he was still shaking, couldn’t work out how to stop it.

“So what you up to today?” She said after moment, her tone purposefully light, “Internet stuff again?”

“Yeah probably… But I think I’m gunna visit Eridan first. Haven’t seen him in a bit.” _And I’m worried about him._ He left the end of the sentence unsaid, but Aradia seemed to pick up what he meant and nodded practically.

“Sounds like a good idea – you’re eating breakfast before you go out though.”

Sollux grumbled but allowed Aradia to coerce him into eating some grubloaf toast and then gave her a big wet kiss on the cheek before he left.

“Gross” she laughed, miming wiping spit off her cheek – but blowing him a kiss back all the same.

 

***

Eridan was asleep when Sollux made it to the entrance hall of his ship-turned-hive. He hadn’t wanted to get anywhere near the sea and so had used his psiionics to fly himself out to the ship. He landed just outside the hull for politeness sake before knocking loudly on the splintered wood, shrugging, and letting himself in. Half-expecting Eridan to be there, drinking some fancy seadweller drink and ready to make a remark about how pathetic Sollux’s lack of swimming was, Sollux pulled up short when he found the hull seemingly empty. It was dark and the only source of light was a small fire burning in the pot-bellied stove in the far corner.

“ED?” Sollux called loudly, walking over and trying not to think of great glowing angels emerging from the shadows of the ship.

_Oh for fucks sake why did I even think that??_

He hurried quicker over to the meagre light the stove was giving out, and found Eridan curled up on the sofa under a blanket, a thick history tome open on the floor like it had slipped out of his hand. His face was pinched and drawn, and his face looked hollowed out, the dark circles etched ever-deeper beneath his eyes.

Sollux felt the weird pull toward Eridan he hadn’t been able to shake since Erisolsprite, and suddenly wanted to reach out to him, tuck the blanket around him, make him warm and relaxed instead of cold and anxious –

“Fuck _me_ ,” he groaned, slapping a hand over his face and taking a few steps back. This was becoming a problem – one that he had no way of dealing with let alone fixing.

“Sol? The fuck you doing here?” Eridan mumbled sleepily, scrubbing at his face with the blanket and half-rising.

“Sorry – my bad. I tried messaging but, I mean obviously you were asleep so-” _C’mon Captor get it together,_ “I’ll come back at a better time yeah?”

“No!” Eridan flushed as the word came out louder and more panicked than he would have liked, “No, it’s okay, I’m awake – let me, uh… get you a drink?”

Sollux nodded, and waited until Eridan had shuffled over to the nutritionblock area, shivering and groggy from sleep, before dropping down to sit on the sofa.

_Why must everything be so fucking weird and awkward between us? I mean, we were never friends, but we were basically the same person for so long –_

“Here,” Eridan said quietly, handing Sollux a faygo and sitting down on the sofa beside him. “My pantry’s running low and it’s that or seadweller-tea and I figured –“

Sollux snorted and twisted the faygo open, “Why the hell not, eh?” Then after a long swig he added, “You know you can just go get stuff alchemised, right? Rose is particularly good at it – dunno why. She just has a knack at figuring out the punch-codes.”

“Mmm,” Eridan hummed in return, “Maybe I’ll… yeah I’ll go get some… food and stuff… soon… ” He trailed off and looked a little lost. Sollux took another pull of the faygo to try cover his discomfort, then sighed.

“I’ll could always come with you, if you want..?”

 Eridan bristled slightly, “I’m not a wriggler!”

The small defiant spark in his eyes made him seem 6 again and Sollux laughed, relaxing slightly.

“Just an offer asshole, don’t get your bulge in a twist,”

Eridan almost choked on his tea and Sollux snorted again.

 _Right. How to hang out with your sort-of enemy slash body-sharer??_ He noticed the heavy book lying discarded on the floor now and shifted round in his seat to poke Eridan obnoxiously with one foot.

“What’s that book about?”

Eridan looked at him strangely, then seemed to relax a tiny bit himself.

“History. Ancient history.”

“How ancient?” Sollux asked, draining his faygo and getting his phone out so he could text and talk at the same time. “Tell me about it.”

Eridan looked at Sollux on his phone and for a second there was the flash of the old Eridan there again – he raised one eyebrow and the look that he gave Sollux was pure haughty highblood.

Sollux rolled his eyes. “I’m _listening –_ you know me. I gotta be doing two things at once.”

Instead of talking about the heavy history book, however, Eridan wrung his hands for a moment then said quietly “I do know you. … Have the voices stopped or are you hearing them again on this planet?”

Sollux scowled to cover his jolt of panic. “Oh no let’s not do this – we spent too long in each other’s heads.” _And I don’t understand these feeling I apparently have around you now, asshole. I’m shit at feelings jams under normal circumstances, let alone this utter bullshit._ “Let’s not dreg up what we know about each other because that way madness lies.”

Eridan laughed softly. “Alright, deal. The book’s about a rebellion that happened long before the Sufferer’s. It was a blue-blood uprising against seadwellers – it’s the reason there’s a long standing animosity between us but no one really understands the origin story. The history has become more myth-like… it’s a tough read as it’s in old-Alternian. But it’s interesting. Interesting to go over ancient battle tactics – but also interesting to see how different attitudes formed between and among the various blood castes…”

“I take it you’ve re-thought the old “kill all landwellers” thing?” Sollux asked archly, sending off his text to Aradia and putting his phone down for the moment.

“Sometimes I wake up and believe I _am_ a landweller.” Eridan replied frankly, “So, yeah, I’ve re-thought that particular ideology.”

Sollux smirked, “You know that other day AA asked me what I wanted for lunch and I said fucking _caviar.”_

Eridan laughed out loud at that, “That’s not as bad as me thinking I could levitate down the stairs yesterday.”

“You’re joking,” Sollux said flatly; Eridan just tugged up the bottom of his trouser-leg to show the bottom of a deep mottled-purple bruise that obviously extended far past what was visible.

“Well shit.”

“Has anyone else mentioned, uh, affects-effects like this?” Eridan asked, rolling his trousers back down and sitting back in his seat, “I mean – Vriska and Tavros got turned into a sprite, didn’t they? And Nepeta and F-Fef,” he coughed to try and hide how he’d stumbled on that particular name, and Sollux felt an urge to reach over and touch his hand. Tell him he was forgiven. That it was ok.

It wasn’t, but he’d have lied anyway to make Eridan stop making that face – like he was in a permanent flinch –

He coughed himself and lisped distractedly through his answer, “Well Vrithka and Tavroth exploded like inthantaneously, and FF and Nepeta weren’t a thpirte for that long, all thingth conthidered… no one’th mentioned anything like – like what we have.”

Eridan just nodded glumly at the information.

To pass some time Sollux let Eridan explain Cyvasse to him, and despite reeling at the intense list of rules, found himself doing quite well at the game.

“Hey, this is a piece of piss,” he snorted, after finally winning after five games.

“You’re welcome for my military skills – and my lack of a lisp too. ‘ _Piece of piss’_ indeed.”

Sollux laughed, and then caught sight of the 50+ messages lighting up his phone screen.

“Oh for fucks _sake_ ,” he hissed, flicking through a few of them, “look – I’d better go, but message me whenever you need, yeah? This has been… surprisingly fun.”

Eridan gave a tiny half-smile and Sollux felt a weird happiness in his chest. He bit his lip, hard, to try stifle the weird feelings and held out a hand instead, which Eridan clutched at before shaking.

“Bye. Thanks.” He said, a thousand other words trapped in his throat.

“Yeah, bye.” Sollux said awkwardly, before flying off, texting Aradia furiously as he went.

_ii need two talk two you. ii dont think ii can have thiis conver2atiion with FF –_

Eridan watched him go, hugging himself tightly and shivering in the suddenly cold air.

 _Message me whenever you need,_ Sollux had said, but over the next few days, Eridan found himself with no new messages, and whenever he pulled up Sollux’s name his fingers would freeze over the keys of his husktop.

_I’d just be annoying him – he’s got stuff to do – can’t be clingy, he’ll end up hating me –_

No matter how logically Eridan tried to assess the situation _Message me whenever you need,_ quickly became _Don’t fucking bother me,_ in hindsight, and the fact that each day bought no messages or visits seemed to confirm his fears.

 

***

 

Every day Eridan crawled out of his recuperacoon, sluiced the sopor off his back and then sat curled by his fire reading the backlog of foreboding history tomes he’d always meant to read.

Some days he went for a swim, hearing Feferi’s voice ringing in his ears _“what sort of a seadweller doesn’t swim!?”_ catching the strange fish that inhabited the choppy waters that surrounded his hive. Each time he emerged from the swell with a handful (or sometimes mouthful) of fish, however, he let them go – knowing that eating them would only make his stomach flip over – as every other food seemed to.

Maybe it was because he had only just come back to life. Maybe it was because his body was so changed. Whatever it was, Eridan felt nauseous almost constantly. He woke up with a sick feeling in his mouth. The thought of food made his stomach roil – and the few times he did eat only made the feeling worse.

“’M fucking falling apart,” he muttered to himself, after his shower that evening left his hair coming out in hanks.

Every time he checked his husktop for a message a strange bubble of hope would rise in his chest. And every time the screen remained blank that hope twisted and soured in his stomach, only making his nausea worse.

Ten days after Sollux had visited, he realised he was, as Fef would call it, “wallowing in self-pity” and resolved to make it to the next group meeting.

_They haven’t banned me from the group notice board… that counts as an invitation, right?_

He might have posted something on the notice board, were he not terrified that doing so would remind everyone he was still a part of it – and ban him.

 

 

The meeting was being held in the cave-cluster they’d used before, and it was a mere hop on the transportaliser, but Eridan found himself hesitating before jumping on.

_What if Kan calls me out again. What if people talk to me? What if they don’t??_

He took a deep breath and reached for some of the relaxed depression- fuelled indifference Sollux had.

_It’s just a meeting. And if you stay in your hive much longer you’re going to lose your fucking mind._

He nodded to himself, then twitched the jacket he was wearing. It felt so strange to have outgrown almost all his clothes, but he still had chests of treasure from his FLARPing days, that included outfits of full grown trolls. Maybe even his dancestor, judging by the brilliant violet of some of them. Still, Eridan had opted for black trousers and shirt, a black-and-grey scarf looped round his neck like a comfort blanket, and a black jacket zipped up to his chin. The chests had contained a multitude of flashy rings and jewellery that had severely tempted him, but he’d found himself trying to dress inconspicuously; in a way that wouldn’t encourage mockery.

 _Now or never,_ he chided himself, and stepped onto the pad –

And arrived in the woods behind the cave. By the light and laughter coming from within, most of their strange group had already gathered – which was for the best. It meant he could sneak in, hopefully without being noticed.

He managed to slide into the cave, and sat himself on a rock formation towards the back. Just seeing people around made him feel slightly lighter for a moment, before the anxiety kicked in.

_What if they see me sitting by myself and laugh –? What if Fef sees me and demands I leave, what if –?_

He saw Sollux across the room and calmed down a little. Sollux would talk to him, surely? …Maybe?

Sollux was currently deep in conversation with the human girl Roxy, while Fef, Aradia and the human girl Jane gathered round, talking and laughing.

He clenched his fingers into fists. He couldn’t go over there while they were all talking.

“Alright, everyone listen up, let’s get the blithering inanity underway!” Karkat yelled from the centre of the cave, and Eridan felt warmth spread in his chest for one second – Karkat – Karkat might talk to him –

Except –

_YOU ARE DEAD TO ME_

_UGLY SCARFNECKED DOUCHEBAG HIPSTER YOU_

Why did he keep doing this to himself?? Getting his hopes up that one of his former friends might actually give a shit – might actually want to talk to him- ?

_I KNOW YOU’RE LONELY, GOD DAMN IT, WHO CARES_

Eridan shivered and pressed his nails into his arm to try stop himself doing something stupid like crying or throwing up in front of everyone. When would he understand that he’d burnt those fucking bridges a long time ago?

 _Not in every timeline_ whispered the relentless stupid hopeful part of him, and he dug his nails in harder to punish it. He’d fucked things up in _enough_ timelines for everyone to hate him. And for good reason. He’d killed Kan, that’s why she hated him. He’d killed Fef, that’s why she hated him, and Kar –

_YOU ARE A STONE COLD RETARDED FUCKING IDIOT._

_NOT TO MENTION COWARDLY BACKSTABBING MURDERER._

_I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU FOREVER._

**  
** Aaaand that was enough. Why had he thought he could come to this meeting?? Why had he thought he even deserved to be around them – ?

As Karkat got into a good-natured shouting match with Dirk, Eridan stood on shaky legs and slipped out.

“This shit again, huh?” Vriska said, leaning on the outside of the cave as if she’d been waiting for him.

“Fuck off,” He ground out, and went to walk away, but then she was in his face again.

“Hey, look, I’m just trying to help you – you didn’t let me finish last time,” She said, in what Eridan knew she thought was her sincere voice, “You have you knock off all this sad-and-lonely business if you ever want anyone to respect you. But I would avoid your old whingey and moaning for pity-attention thing too.”

She paused and regarded him critically, reaching out to grab him by the shoulder when he tried to walk away.

 “Fuck off,” he repeated in a whisper, feeling about two inches tall despite the fact that Vriska was now a good head shorter than he was. “Just… just leave me alone.”

 “I would _love_ to, and yet here you are, stinking up everyone’s air. Now listen to me, I’m only helping you out of respect for our old… partnership, but you seriously have to get a grip. I’m _worried_ for you – when did _Eridan Ampora_ ever mope around like this?? It’s _soooo_ pathetic.”

She raised an expectant eyebrow, and when he didn’t reply she groaned dramatically.

“See? _This_ is the shit you have to knock off! I thought I could provoke you into some sort of a reaction but look what I get! Mopey old miseryguts here. Fine. You don’t want my help? Go be a misog somewhere else.”

She let her hand drop from his shoulder. “You done?” Eridan said, the words coming out far weaker than he had wanted them to.

“Yup – my _friends_ are waiting for me, so do excuse me,” she said, with thinly veiled disgust behind the parting smile she flashed him.


	2. a Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mega soz for how long this took to be put up. It was finished a week ago but I sort of... lost confidence with it? Anyway this one hasn't been checked over by anyone but me so apologies for spelling mistakes/ anything that seems ooc. Net chapter will be up within 2 weeks and that is a pinky-promise.  
> I'd love to hear some feedback if you have a second to leave a comment, but no worries if not.  
> Without further ado: this is chapter 2 of 4, so please enjoy - and brace yourselves for the angst wheeeeee ~~~

 

“Sollux come _oooon,_ you promised you’d come eat with us,” Feferi stuck her bottom lip out in an exaggerated pout and Sollux laughed despite himself. Despite being taller and broader than him, particularly now in their post-game bodies, Feferi could still channel a four-sweep-old with nothing more than her big goggle-enhanced eyes and a wobbly lower lip.

“Well alright, if I promised… and if her majesty demands.” He said with a dramatic sigh, and stood up from his husktop, wincing as numerous joints popped in complaint.

“Shut up,” Feferi snorted, whacking him lightly across the back of the head with an oven mitt.

Sollux and Feferi had moved in with Aradia after it became clear they were always going to want to be around each other. Feferi’s place was out as it was underwater, and Sollux’s place was, admittedly, a mess - so Aradia’s it was.

Aradia had demanded that Sollux try and be self-sufficient, however, but after a few genuine attempts to learn to cook, Aradia had relegated Sollux to washing up duty, as, in her words, “you code like a dream, but cook like a nightmare.” Also Sollux wasn’t really big on food – he ate like a horse, but he was more interested in quantity than quality - which offended Feferi’s regal tastes, and exasperated Aradia, who was beyond excited to have “real alive-people taste-buds” again.

Since Sollux and Feferi lived pretty much permanently in Aradia’s hive now, they had to come to a compromise, and the agreement they had come to was that Sollux could eat ramen and bowls of cereal six nights out of the week, but on the seventh night they would have dinner together, which often included a group of their friends.

Roxy, Sollux’s new-found partner-in-crime for all things tech, hadn’t been able to make it as she was having a “girly night in” with Jane, but they still had a considerable crowd coming. So far Tavros, Jake, Jade and Karkat had shown up. Tavros being a good friend of Aradia’s, Jake and Jade being the new fiduspawn buddies of Tav’s, and Karkat –

“Hey doucheface,” Karkat said, unable to contain his huge grin at seeing Sollux emerge.

_Dork._

“Hey if it isn’t my ol’ buddy Nubs McGee” Sollux replied, before they both burst into laughter.

“Dorks outta the way please!” Aradia yelled from the kitchen, “Hot plates need to come through.”

Sollux hugged Karkat – the best move was to get in first with a KK hug. KK was always going to want a hug but if you made the first move you could chose when to end it. Like sometime this year.

“You want a hand AA?”

“You can go sit down, but since Karkat just spent the last twenty minutes micromanaging my kitchen he can come help serve.”

Sollux raised an eyebrow and Karkat had the decency to flush slightly.

“What? Tavros and Jake don’t know how to cut vegetables. I was giving them some pointers.”

“Sure you were.” Sollux grinned and Karkat flipped him off before spinning back into the kitchen.

Jade and Feferi were already laughing together at the table – which was actually a collection of tables and desks Feferi had cobbled together from furniture Aradia already owned, and furniture she had lugged back from her and Sollux’s hives. Her royal blood had made her strong enough that Sollux was pretty sure she could give Equius a run for his money…

“Hi Sollux!” Jade piped up, “what have you been up to today?”

Sollux shrugged and sat down, “Y’know. Computer stuff.”

Feferi rolled her eyes and threw a napkin at him, “You know Jade is a glubbin’ smart scientist right? Like I’m just checking. Because for a second there it sounded like you were dumbing things down because you thought she wouldn’t _get it_.”

“I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that – but I am interested in what specifically you’ve been doing. I’m more into physics – but I’m good with hardware if I could help you with anything..?”

Sollux stared at her for a second, before he realised he should reply. With words. But she was just so… sunny. And open. There was no sarcasm or snideness there… _Okay, reply, and don’t be a dick about it._

“I’ve been, uh, well me and Roxy are still in the trial-and-error stages of coding, but we’re trying to build a platform to host all our digital files. I mean – now that trollian or pesterchum or whatever is functioning again it seemed…. I just thought it’d be cool to share music files and films and… whatever.”

He trailed off, uncomfortably aware of Jade listening – really listening to him, and not just glazing over like FF and AA did - and finished in a shrug.

“Oh but that’s so cool!” She exclaimed, as Karkat and Jake started serving up dishes of meat and vegetables. “I mean, not only can we expand on our movie library or find some old tunes to reminisce to – we can share stuff cross-species! I bet that’d really help to bridge any cultural barriers we run up against!”

“Uh, yeah,” Sollux mumbled, then added a sharp “Fuck you,” to Karkat who was mimicking him from across the table.

 

Dinner was a lively affair, with Tavros and Aradia telling Jake all about their old LARPing days, Karkat and Jade arguing good-naturedly about some movie they’d watched at Dave’s the other night, and Feferi regaling them all with a dramatic re-enactment of the horrors created whenever Sollux tried to cook.

After dinner they settled in to play some computer games, and Sollux got to reveal the patch he’d been growing, which allowed players to play as either human or troll characters… or a giant 3D arse if it was Karkat playing. The uproar that caused was worth all the hours he’d spent on the patch as Karkat fumed and ranted about his new arse-avatar (or arsevatar as Sollux had gleefully dubbed it..

They even managed to beat Mituna and Latula, who were playing on link up, although their winning streak didn’t last long, as the two alpha trolls' _skillz_ quickly beat dumb luck.

When it started to get late their guests started to trickle away, although Jade hung around to grill Sollux about some tricky programming issues she was “consulting” on. Apparently Dirk and the Zahhaks were up to something, but Jade had been told to keep it hush-hush. Sollux answered as best he could, and when the house was empty he collapsed on the sofa, warm and full and happy and _tired._

“Uh-uh, no, you’re not sleeping here, get up,” Aradia said sternly, kissing one of his horns gently, and then biting it to jerk him awake.

Sollux groaned dramatically and held his arms in the air.

“Heeeelpppppp.” He closed his eyes, expecting Aradia to help him up – but instead he was almost lifted up bodily by Feferi who squealed with laughter as he yelped and flailed.

“You’re doing the washing-up first thing tomorrow, ok?” Aradia said, giving him and upside-down kiss, and then Feferi was carrying him upstairs.

“Wow, thanks for all this dignity you’re affording me,” he said, deadpan, as his long limbs hit the stairs and walls around them.

“When are you ever dignified?” Feferi snorted back, but moved with more care, before gently lowering him to the respiteblock floor.

Sollux promptly laid down and pretended to snore, to which Feferi groaned.

“Solllluuuuuxxxxx!! C’mon don’t be a grub.”

“I _am_ a grub.”

“You’re, like, 8 sweeps old now.”

“My body’s 8 sweeps, I’m pretty sure I’m still six sweeps old mentally. Now let’s never speak of that again because I’m already having an existential crisis.”

Feferi came and sat on his chest, making him lose his breath with an _oomph._

She leaned forward until her hair was tickling his face and papped him lightly.

“Shooosh. You’re fine, you’re just grumpy because you need to sleep.”

Sollux couldn’t help the small smile that crept across his lips at her touch.

“Okay. Because it’s you.”

“You also have to shower first stinky-pants,” she whispered and Sollux sighed.

“Okay, if you get off my _entire body_ I will go shower. Happy?”

“Always,” she smiled and kissed his cheek lightly.

 

When he came back from the shower Feferi threw a fresh pair of pants at him.

“Aradia helped me up the concentration of the sopor, so I imagine we’re both going to get knocked out.”

“Perfect.” Sollux yawned, climbing in and then wrapping his long arms around Feferi as she joined him.

It took about ten seconds for the sopor to work its way into his bloodstream, and suddenly the whirring of cogs in his brains began to slow.

 

 

In his dreams there was a suspicious lack of angels. _Extra sopor must be working,_ Sollux thought thickly, the words forming in his mind an effort, like his brain was suddenly inundated with fog. Blearily he looked around and found himself on the roof of his old hiveblock, the night sky black and devoid of any moons. Just as his eyes were beginning to get used to the dark, twin bolts of red and blue light flashed past him, and he turned to find his bicyclops lusus thrashing against his chains and roaring soundlessly, his two heads whipping back and forth and expelling pulsating beams of psionic energy into the air. Another beam just barely missed Sollux and he felt the air burn and crackle past him.

 _It’s okay dad, you’re fine, calm down,_ he tried to say the words but found no sound came out. _Where’s the mind honey when I fucking need it..?_

It was maybe ten steps over to his dad and thirty steps over to the door that led down into the hive cluster where he could retrieve the mind honey. Sollux, finding that just one step was exhausting - like pushing through treacle - decided to approach his dad.

 _It’s okay,_ he thought, even as his eyes began to close and his muscles burned at the effort he was expending, _it’s okay._

He made it to his lusus’ side after what felt like hours, and laid a hand on the thick calloused flesh of his dad’s chest. _What’s wrong? Are you hungry?_

Nothing he suggested seemed to work and the bicyclops continued his agitated thrashing. _Dad please._ The situation was overwhelming enough to force tears into his eyes and Sollux fought the urge to just curl up at his dad’s feet and wait for the tantrum to stop.

Instead he forced himself to turn, another bolt of burning light barely missing him, lightly scorching his arm, and began his trudge over to the door.

 _I just need to make it to the mind honey and back, I can do this._ The air seemed to fight against him at every step and by the time he reached the door every muscle in his body was screaming its complaints and every breath was sucked raggedly down into aching lungs. His vision blurred as he dragged his arm up to turn the handle, and when he finally staggered into the dark stairwell, the cool air was a blessed relief.

…Except he wasn’t in a stairwell. He was in a blasted plain and he – Eridan – _he -_ was surrounded. Surrounded and disarmed, and the terrible certainty of that fact felt like being drenched in ice-cold water. As feathery wings whipped at him and talons scratched across his face and arms his heart seemed to stutter in fear, and the sensation left him doubled-over and gasping for air.

This only seemed to enrage the angels, who started to pluck at him more earnestly, emboldened by the lack of retaliation, until their talons took chunks of his flesh, leaving white-hot, weeping puzzle pieces behind in his skin. Eridan tried to scrunch himself down as small as he could – a smaller target – but the angels had the taste of his blood now and they were whipped up to a frenzy –

 

Eridan woke with a jolt and clutched at his chest. His heart was hammering under his jumper and his forehead was slick with a cold sweat. He allowed himself a tiny moan of left-over fear, then pulled himself into a seated position, shivering violently as he felt the cold that had worked its way into his bones as he slept. He wasn’t in his respiteblock, or his usual place by the fire, instead he had fallen asleep in one of the many empty spare rooms his hive had to offer, curled at the bottom of an ancient grandiose wardrobe in a pile of moth-eaten clothes.

He had come dangerously close to messaging Vriska out of desperation last night, so instead he’d decided to search through his hive’s spare rooms for new books to read or… or something else to do.

He stood on unsteady legs and extricated himself from the snakes of clothes that seemed to latch around his ankles, hugging himself for a moment while the rest of his brain woke up.

What to do today….

He could start another book. He’d counted and found he had 326 books on board his hive. Around 50 of them he considered old favourites, 10 or 20 more had been the basis of his education in certain aspects, and should therefore perhaps be viewed as “outdated”, and about 20 of them fell under “books I always meant to read”. He’d almost finished that category, but it still gave him a huge amount of books to play with. …But reading had got harder lately as he’d started to get headaches and lose his concentration. And his joints hurt enough without sitting to read for a few hours.

He could clean his hive. Granted the main living area was already spotless. He’d mopped the floors just the other day, and he kept all surfaces wiped or dusted as need be. His respiteblock was similarly clean, with his piles of gold and other such booty won in long-ago FLARP games neatly packed away into chests, his statues polished and the various antique weaponry locked up in cabinets. His lusus would be proud –

The thought caught him like a blow to the chest and he froze. Don’t think about dad. He’d not coming back.

But any energy he had had upon waking drained out of him like a deflated balloon. Time to face it idiot. There’s nothing to do. And no-one to talk to. It’s gunna be another twelve hours of pretending everything’s fine and your friends just forgot to call until it’s time to go to sleep again.

Eridan bit down on his lower lip hard. Stop it. Stop thinking like that. Buck up. It’s going to be okay.

But the words sounded hollow and foolish in his head, and his limbs suddenly felt like anchor weights attached to his body.

It was with no considerable effort that he forced himself to walk, one foot after the other, down the echoing corridor of the ship, the quiet seconds stretching out before him into achingly silent minutes.

When he got to the top of the staircase he almost allowed himself to step out into thin air, sure that his psiionics would let him drift down safely, but his knees twinged at the memory of yesterday’s fall and he caught himself.

By the time he’d made it out of the belly of the ship and onto the thin strip of wet sand that served as his lawnring, he was exhausted. He let himself stand on the grey sand, looking out at the sea for a few minutes, before summoning up the strength to push himself forwards, into the embrace of the waves.

A few half-hearted stokes dragged him further out, and from there he dived to the sea-bed and flipped over, settling into the sediment and feeling the currents tug at him gently.

He’d started to feel safer and safer under the water. He still didn’t see why Feferi could enjoy being down here so much but… things were muffled. Blurred. It was like wearing a safety blanket that gently held you all over. And from down here the world above seemed beautiful, with the weak sunlight refracting off the waves and sending patterns of blue and turquoise spiralling around him.

_I’ll just stay here for a little while…_

Sollux awoke with a banging headache. His eyes could barely focus on the room around him and he groaned. A gentle hand stoked his hair and cooed softly. Fef. Wait no. _FF._ Thank whatever gods this planet had that she was there.

“You okay?” she asked softly through the sopor. Seadwellers’ ability to talk under water, or under sopor as the case may be, was usually eerie, but he found it comforting now. “Sollux I think you were having a nightmare, but you weren’t thrashing around – just sort of groaning. Are you sick?”

He shook his head, and lightning rods pieced his head. He moaned again and Feferi pulled him towards her, enveloping him in a hug.

“You can go back to sleep, it’s still early – for you I mean. I won’t go anywhere I promise.” Sollux wrapped his arms around her in return and nuzzled into her shoulder, provoking a soft laugh.

He didn’t want to fall back asleep, didn’t want the dreams, but he was already drifting away again –

and before long he found himself back in the ring of angels, trapped and terrified and unable to defend himself as another one darted by and bit deep into his left arm, wrenching a horrified cry from him as violet blood spurted out like a fountain.

“Stop it!” He screamed out, despite how futile he knew it was to try reason with them at this point, “Fuck off! Leave me alone!”

The angels stilled for one moment, before letting out the high, rattling screech he knew to be laughter, and whipping themselves back into a personal hurricane that surrounded him.

“Fuck off!” He yelled brokenly as another gash opened across his back – and then an angel did something unexpected.

It darted forward, grabbed his arm and launched itself into the sky, dragging him up with it.

“No! No! Stop!” He screamed, pressing his eyes together but unable to blot out the whistling of the wind or the sinking in his stomach as they rocketed upwards. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, leave me alone.” He pleaded, and the angel above him laughed once more, and – left.

There was one awful moment as his body continued weightlessly upward and his stomach flipped over, and then gravity demanded her due and Eridan felt himself be at first dragged inexorably down – and then he plummeted.

Sollux gasped and –

 

Eridan awoke with a start and sucked in a huge breath – into his lungs, which wouldn’t have been a problem except he was still drifting along the bottom of the seabed and the water burned it’s way down, making his cough and splutter and choke – he wasn’t yet awake enough to focus and let his gills take over, and blind panic descended as his chest burned and ached for oxygen. Managing to get his legs underneath him, Eridan pushed off from the bottom of the seabed and dragged himself up to the surface as fast as possible, his limbs thrashing even as his vision began to black out.

When his head broke the surface of the water he sucked in as many breaths as he could, coughing up seawater and crying weakly. It took a few minutes, but when he was convinced he could breathe he lowered himself back under the water and let his gills take over, swimming with weak strokes back towards his hive.

When he finally reached the shore he collapsed heavily on the sand and vomited up the meagre contents of his stomach. He let himself lie there, shivering and retching for a few minutes, before regaining his composure enough to realise that it wasn’t his vision – it really was dark out. The only reason he could see at all was the lantern he kept lit on the stern of his hive. He was lying on the sand under a perfectly dark sky and he’d managed to spend the entirety of the day under the sea – which was apparently a good way to pass the time until he had nightmares and half-killed himself.

It took herculean effort to pick himself up and stagger on leaden legs into his hive and up the stairs to an ablutionblock. He almost found himself falling asleep under the hot shower, but managed to wash and put on a pair of pyjamas. Just as he was thinking about making himself a cup of tea and falling asleep again to an old movie, he caught sight of himself in the ablutionblock mirror and saw a strange mottled rash spreading across his chest and shoulders. The skin was sore to the touch, and started to itch feverishly as Eridan made his way downstairs.

He tried to ignore it, but now his shoulders and knees were starting to ache deeply, and a pounding headache quickly ruined his plans of watching a movie. Eridan curled up miserably on the corner of his sofa. The bends. He had the fucking bends because he’d launched himself up out of the water quickly. He didn’t have the energy to be angry, but he silently blamed Sollux for making him think he should have been breathing with his lungs while underwater. Fucking landwell – _No. That’s enough of that._

As the pain from his joints and head worsened Eridan reached tentatively for his husktop. His headache made it hard for him to look at the screen… _but I need help._

It was obvious, really. He shouldn’t be alone while he was so ill, and yet…

A list of names appeared on his trollian screen, all online, all potential people who could help…. _But they hate me. I could ask Vriska but she’d laugh at a seadweller getting the bends. I could ask Sollux… but it’s the middle of the night and he’s probably asleep. And if I called it might be Fef who picks up._

_I could ask Karkat…_

                _YOU ARE DEAD TO ME_

_Except no. I can’t._

He reached into his sylladex and pulled out a battered first-aid kit, which offered a few mouldy bandages, some loose plasters, and a handful of painkillers. That’ll do.

He scooped the painkillers into his mouth and swallowed, wincing as they scratched their way down his raw throat. His hollow stomach rumbled as the pills hit it, and Eridan made a mental note to try and eat something tomorrow.

 

The next few day were spent in miserable sickness, as the bends left him weak, itchy and sore. Nausea made him retch emptily, but he had nothing but tea to bring up, and more clumps of hair came out in his hands when he finally made it up the stairs to shower.

_I need help…_

The thought came to him regularly as he lay, sweaty and shivering on his sofa, but whenever he opened his husktop, the glowing names of his ex-friends made him lose all confidence, and eventually he banished it to his respiteblock, where he didn’t have the see the screen mocking him with help that was so close and yet so far out of reach.

 

***

After last night’s suffocatingly awful sleep Sollux found himself wide awake in the middle of the night, so while Aradia fell asleep on the human-bed that had been added to her room, Sollux worked feverishly on the new file-sharing platform that would be ready soon. Just as soon as he could get these fucking bugs out of the fucking code –

He tried to run the code he was sure was fixed this time – then swore loudly and slammed the desk as _more errors than before_ glared out at him.

Aradia jerked awake at the noise and frowned up at him.

“What are you doing? It’s the middle of the day – the night I mean. Sleepy time. You know.” She yawned widely, then, when Sollux didn’t answer she sighed and got up, coming over to rub gently at his shoulders.

“Not tired?”

“No,” he lied and Aradia chuckled quietly.

“All right, if you say so. Well since I’m awake now too how about we go watch a movie and have tea or something.”

Sollux looked at the _bastarding_ lines of code on his screen and stood up.

“Yeah, I think I need a break anyway.”

She took his hand lightly and they traipsed downstairs.

Sollux began to fiddle with the television and Aradia went to make tea.

“Is Feferi not back yet?” Aradia called from the kitchen, and Sollux looked around him as if he might just see Feferi standing there.

_I’m so tired my brain's fucking broken._

“Don’t think so.” Feferi had gone out to play some roleplaying game with Nepeta and Terezi, but apparently they’d got so caught in the game they’d lost track of time.  As usual.

With the hive to themselves Sollux put on some shit action comedy that FF would hate, and sipped some tea before stretching out on the sofa, his head in Aradia’s lap.

After twenty minutes or so Aradia spoke abruptly.

“Are you sure you don’t want to try a higher concentration of sopor again?” She asked, switching of the television. “You look like you’re on death’s door and it _did_ give you a proper night’s sleep.”

“Yeah, but instead of waking up from nightmares I just got stuck in them,” Sollux grouched, turning the television back on with his psiionics.

“Sollux, listen to me,” Aradia said impatiently, flicking the set off again and giving him a look that suggested if he turned it back on he’d be in for the bollocking of his life. He didn’t turn it back on. “Two hours of sleep a night is in no way sufficient.”

“I know!” He said, a little louder than he meant to, “But I don’t want to be paralysed in nightmare-dream land. Side note - that sounds like a theme park that could rival the Dark Carnival and I have no intention of going to either.”

“Sollux you know you’re so stressed you’re basically giving me electric shocks every two seconds?”

“I – fuck really? Sorry.” He had the decency to look properly mortified by this and would have sat up, but Aradia’s strong arm held him down. “Look,” he said with a sigh, “everyone’s stressed – like jeez, did you see how raw Dirk got on Kankri’s ass at the meeting earlier? Fucking brutal. Dude won’t be able to sit down for _weeks._ We don’t know what’s happening here. We don’t know if the game’s over or if we’re about to be psyched out. We don’t know where we’ll go if this really is the end – _fuck_ AA, we don’t even know if we’ll see each other again, or if we’ll remember any of this shit – or if those of us who died really have been bought back to life. Everything and everyone is real fucked up right now, it’s not just me.”

“I know,” Aradia said, in her best zen voice, “But I don’t love everything and everyone you fucking dipshit. I care about _you_ and I’m worried about you. So work with me here, what can Feferi and I do to help you?”

Almost on cue, Feferi slammed the front door open and bounded into the room, but she didn’t look like her usual bubbly ( _heh_ ) self. Instead, her face was drawn, and she was clutching her husktop which was pinging with insistent trollian notifications.

“What’s going on?” Aradia asked, letting Sollux sit up, and budging over so Ferefi could sit between them with the husktop.

“I thought it was just another Ampora attention-grab thing – Cronus, not our one,” Feferi explained quickly, scrolling up to the top of the conversation, “but apparently someone attacked that guy Kankri, and he’s really hurt.”

Sollux grabbed the husktop and scanned the conversation. It sounded like a fucking bloodbath. Cronus’ words were devoid of their usual sleazy overtones, and he wasn’t even using his quirk.

CA: please please come as fast as you can he’s bleeding so much

CA: what do I do??

Sollux rolled his eyes.

tA: put 2ome pre22ure on the goddamn wound2 iidiiot

CA: oh god yes, okay, doing that now - @Porrim you are coming yes?

“See thith ith what I was talking about,” Sollux said to Aradia, his lisp coming back in his agitation. He tried to ignore the rising bile in his throat at the thought of Kankri bleeding out in his hive. It could just have easily have been Karkat, or anyone really. “This planet’th a fucking prethure cooker.”

A message from Porrim pinged up, and Sollux shifted uncomfortably at her request.

GA: YES, and actually yo+ung capto+r can yo+u co+me to+o+? we might need yo+ur psio+nics

GA: fo+r cauterising

Oh jesus fucking christ on a cracker.

Feferi winced and covered her mouth, but Aradia nodded solemnly.

“Are you going to do it?” she asked, as Sollux began to type with trembling fingers.

tA: yeah okay

tA: uh, KK you readiing thii2 2hiit?

cG: OF COURSE I FUCKING AM

cG: PESTCHUM PRETTY MUCH BLEW UP MY FUCKING HUSKTOP

cG: EVERYONE’S READING THIS FUCKING TRAINWRECK

cG: THERE’S AN ALERT EVERY FUCKING MILISECOND

Sollux let out a nervous laugh.

tA: KK come wiith me

cG: WAIT WHAT.

cG: WHY

tA: moral 2upport you in2en2iitiive fuck

cG: SOLLUX I FUCKING HATE BLOOD

cG: I WON’T BE MUCH SUPPORT IF I’M PASSED OUT ON THE FUCKING FLOOR

GA: karkat I understand yo+ur po+sitio+n but actually I need so+llux to fly yo+u o+ver

GA: because if kankri’s lo+st that much blo+o+d …

cG: WHAT?

cG: OH

cG: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE OKAY THEN I GUESS

 

“Are you sure you don’t want me there?” Aradia asked gently. She wasn’t squeamish, and could keep her cool in almost any situation, but Sollux didn’t want her there. It was probably some misguided notion of chivalry left over from his time in Eridan’s head – or some shit like that.  

 

***

 

When Sollux got back from Kankri’s hive, he ran to the abultionblock and vomited his guts up. Aradia found him shaking and retching miserably and stroked his back until his stomach stopped cramping.

Sollux stood up shakily and let Aradia steer him to the sink to wash his face and clean his teeth.

“I wanna go to bed,” he mumbled once he’d finished and Aradia nodded.

“Okay.”

“No, actually, I fucking don’t. I’m not sure I can handle a fucking abattoir-situation _and_ Eridan’s fucking angels in all in one night.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked, pulling his skinny frame towards her and wrapping her arms around his waist.

Sollux shivered and rested his chin between her curling horns.

“I… don’t know.” They still hadn’t had the “what the fuck is going on I my brain re: Eridan” conversation so far, but this one was a little more pressing. 

“Okay, come with me,” Aradia pulled him into the darkened livingroom and expertly arranged a pile of cushions so she could lie comfortably on her side with her huge horns cushioned. She patted the sofa impatiently until Sollux started forward and curled himself behind her. In the dark it was easier to let himself focus only on Aradia’s breathing, her heart beating in her chest and the clean smell of her hair.

Sollux shivered again and held her tight, burying his face in her hair as though he could hide from everything there.

“Tell me,” she said softly, and Sollux did his best to describe the carnage they’d found at Kankri’s hive. How the air had been thick with the rusty smell of his blood, how he’d had to use his psiionics to cauterise the stumps of his wrists and what had been left of his tongue.

“He was screaming and crying while I did it- I didn’t have a choice though, he’d’ve bleed out… He looks so much like KK I fucking swear… and it looked like KK’s blood – it basically _was,”_ he said, his voice sounding dazed in his own ears, “and I’m pretty sure KKs back to taking his anger out on himself because he wouldn’t let Kanaya roll up his left sleeve and they had an argument in the hallway – but that’s a fucking problem for another day.”

“You’re shaking,” Aradia whispered and Sollux realised she was right, but he couldn’t stop the tremors that ran down his arms and chattered his teeth.

“I just… If Cronus hadn’t found him – if Rose hadn’t known the stuff she does about medicine… I think he’d have died. I think someone would’ve just found his fucking corpse tomorrow. I’m so fucking sick of death – I thought this nightmare game was over.”

He took a deep breath and swallowed the tears that ached in his throat.

“It’s okay,” Aradia said, turning round to press him closer to her, until they were inextricably entwined on the battered sofa, “It’s going to be okay. You did a good thing tonight.”

She murmured soft words to him and stroked his back until exhaustion finally claimed him.

For once, Sollux didn’t dream.

 

***

 

Eridan panted and tried to blink away the white spots in his vision. He was halfway up the stairs to his respiteblock, and knew with dead certainty that he was about to collapse. A-fucking-gain.

He’d started to collapse at least once a day know, by his reckoning, although he slept enough that he’d lost track of the days. That was why he was heading to his respiteblock today – he wanted to try work out how long it’d been since Sollux’s last visit. Wanted to know if it had been long enough for it to be appropriate to message Sollux. Make it seem casual, and not clingy. But he was suddenly sporting a cold sweat and his vision was blacking out.

_Not here, c’mon! Get a grip!_

His reprimands did nothing to offset the blackout, however, and he woke up an indeterminate amount of time later at the base of the stairs, shivering violently and sporting a fresh round of bruises.

“Owwwwwww,” he groaned quietly and tried to stand. _Slowly does it…_ he’d knew by now that if he tried to leap up he’d just wind straight back on the floor.

Once he was back on his feet he glared up at the stairs. If only he had Sollux’s psiionics. Instead he was going to have to crawl.

At the halfway point again Eridan rested. His bony knees were complaining at the new technique, but at least it looked like he might actually make it to his respiteblock conscious.

 _Well I think I just lost the last shred of dignity I fucking had,_ he thought bitterly, pulling himself up the last few stairs and sitting to rest against the wall for a moment.

Eridan could feel his heart banging against his ribcage violently, and dimly acknowledge that it was probably not a good sign that he couldn’t make it up one flight of stairs without almost having a heart-attack.

He tried to will his heart to chill out and picked absentmindedly at the dry skin which had recently begun to cover his hands and wrists.

When he had recovered enough to carry on it took him a good long time to reach his respiteblock, and once he’d made it, it took the last vestiges of strength within him to not simply get into his recuperacoon and go to sleep.

 

Instead he flicked on his husktop and began to tally how long it had been since Sol had last come over. He had to make a few guesses, and his head swam a little as he worked, but after a while he came to a conclusion.

Sollux had last come over between 40 and 42 days ago. So he had gone to his second meeting around 30 days ago. So he had been completely alone for… a month. A fucking _perigree._

Staring down at the mocking figure on the paper, Eridan found a rage he hadn’t felt in a long time bubbling up inside him.

A _month_?? He hadn’t spoken to another living being in a fucking month? No one had messaged him – no one had visited – No one gave a crap about him at all. Which confirmed his biggest fear, but at the same time had sparked an anger so hot it burned its way up his throat and choked him.

But he wasn’t angry at anyone else as much as he was suddenly furious at _himself._

_Good job you evil fucking murderous asshole. No one’s ever gunna talk to you again – way to ruin your own fucking miserable life._

Eridan was shaking, adrenaline pounding through his veins, and without thinking he raised his arm and bought it smashing down on his desk. Enfeebled he may have become, but he was still a highblood, and a long spidery crack formed down the middle of the desk. The jarring pain left in his thin arm felt good – felt _right_ – and he raised his arm again, smashing and attacking the desk until it cracked in half – his husktop falling in the wreckage, screen-shattered.

_Brilliant! Perfect! It’s not like I need the fucking thing anyway!_

He was breathing hard, his arm almost numb with pain, but now he’d started, he needed to destroy more – everything –

He threw himself at his shelves next, wrenching books from their niches and throwing them to the ground, then, when that didn’t have the desired effect he picked up a lamp and threw it at the wall with such force that it almost exploded apart. He reached for one of his statues next and smashed it to the ground, ignoring the sharp _crack_ of a finger and the deep tear in his forearm it elicited.

His blood pumping furiously through his veins, Eridan proceeded to tear apart anything he could get his hands on – statues, books, clothes, old treasures he suddenly fucking _hated_ the sight off, each smash a declaration: I’m still fucking _here,_ I’m still fucking _alive._

_And still fucking things up – ruining everything -_

The thought made him punch through a window pane and, when the broken glass cut open his fist he did it again, and again, and when his hands wouldn’t form fists anymore he hefted an ancient harpoon and hacked and slashed at the very walls until he collapsed, breathing heavily and looking around blearily.

The only light came from the weak beam of the strange moon in the sky. He hated it, _hated_ it with a burning passion that made him almost sick.

No matter how much he destroyed he couldn’t get rid of the awful anger and sadness that crawled under his skin.

_This is your fault you idiot. You are alone because you were a coward. You are alone because you killed. Because you couldn’t deal with your emotions – and you still. Fucking. Can’t. I hate you – I hate you so fucking much you vile piece of shit -_

Trembling with rage and shame, Eridan punched himself hard in the leg, then, the punishment not enough, he yanked up his sleeves so he could claw at his arms and neck, pushing in his nails as hard as he could and only gouging harder when the pain made him gasp and cry out.

When his arms were oozing ribbons of flayed flesh he reached round under his shirt and attacked his sides, almost hyperventilating as the pain set in, his abused skin burning until he shook all over.

Half-forgotten words came back to him

_As Prince of Hope I’m uniquely qualified to recognise when all hope is lost_

_And im telling you there is no hope not even a little bit_

_Not even a little bit…_

When the fog in his head cleared a little he curled on the floor amongst his ruined belongings and just breathed for a while, trying to reach for some sort of emotion, but it was like he was a flannel that had been wrung out. There was nothing left.

What felt like an age later he managed to pull himself to his feet, and, head swimming and legs shaking like jelly, he dragged himself over to the wreckage of a cabinet and found a candle and some matches. It took four shaky-fingered attempts but he finally got the candle lit. With it’s small light a strange comfort, Eridan walked unsteadily over to the window and stared out, unsure what he was looking for, but finding the moonlight suddenly peaceful, he was happy to stand transfixed, even as hot wax dripped down over his torn up hands and the deep scratches he’d made under his shirt screamed.

He was just starting to feel dizzy and tired again when he heard a voice behind him.

“Chief..?”

Eridan dropped the candle and span, already reaching for weapons, visions of angels sharp in his mind –

But it was his dancestor. Inexplicably Cronus Ampora was standing in the door to his hive. Eridan wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry.

 

***

 

Cronus had stayed for a few hours, and for once it was Eridan who was horribly clingy – grabbing at his dancestor’s arm when he had made to leave, begging him to stay.

Eridan flushed at the memory and curled himself tighter on the sofa. Apparently Karkat’s dancestor had been attacked. _So of course they came to ask me. The evil murderer…_

But he had had a conversation. With a person. Who seemed to genuinely want to talk to him. He’d even _hugged_ Cronus. Willingly. It had been so strange to feel someone’s arms around him – and he felt so… empty now that he was gone.

_Maybe he’ll come back..? Fuck, maybe I’ll just say I did the thing to Kankri so people will have to come talk to me._

A strange laugh exploded out of him and he clapped a hand over his mouth, then winced as torn skin protested and wounds from his earlier rampage opened up.

He gasped and at the same time a strange buzzing came from under his head.

_Ok what the fuck now? Am I dying?_

Reaching gingerly with one bloodied arm he dug around under the cushion and found his phone, a survivor of earlier’s rampage.

On the screen a message blinked up at him.

tA: are you okay?

tA: god iim 2uch a piece of fuckiing 2hit

tA; ii 2hould have me22aged age2 ago

tA: ii wa2 ju2t

tA: ii diidnt think

tA :

tA : iim comiing over


	3. a Poem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sollux tries to pick up pieces, and a visit from troll-Mary Poppins (or close enough).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what? I'm going to stop making promises as to when the next chapter is going to be up. you are all angels for putting up with these slow updates - thank you for your patience.
> 
> I'm still finding it really weird to write something with so little action (where are the fight scenes? the dramatic chases? the heists??) but doing some in-depth character work is probably good for me. I hope you like it (and don't hate my character exploration :L). It's not all angst I SWEAR.
> 
> Big props as usual to my star of an editor (@i-swear-i-accidentally on tumblr) - in particular for comments such as "watch your Britishness" and for having to correct "arse" to "ass" every two lines. I... really can't write ass without thinking about donkeys. My apologies to Americans everywhere. 
> 
> Final note: thank you so much to everyone who has kudosed and commented so far - it means so much to me and gives me the drive to keep going <3

Sollux flew out to Eridan’s hive as fast as he could, not because he wanted to get there so urgently, but because the faster he flew, the more his psionics buzzed, and the more they drained out the torrent of self-loathing that was pouring through his mind.

_How fucking selfish –_

_You didn’t even fucking message – once! In weeks!_

  _I thought he’d message people_

_No you didn’t – don’t even start with that shit – you saw how he was at the meeting, you should have known –_

_How was I to know?_

_You shared a fucking brain!_

Sollux let out a groan and flew faster, the buzzing in his head becoming more of a burning, but he didn’t care.

When he reached Eridan’s shipwreck of a hive the sun was just beginning to rise and Sollux had to share off the feeling that this was recuperacoon-time.

_Nope, come on, you’ve got a job to do._

When he entered the dead silence of the hive made the hull seem like a foreboding vacuum, but he forced himself to enter.

“Eridan?” He called out feebly, then coughed and tried again, “Eridan?”

“Here,” a weak voice called back, and Sollux turned to the sofa area. The little fire was going strong but he couldn’t see…. Oh.

He couldn’t see Eridan because Eridan was lying down, curled in a tight little ball on the sofa, his long limbs drawn in to himself like some great dead insect.

“Nice of you to greet your guest,” Sollux said, aiming for light-hearted but landing on petulant. He winced, then started forward when Eridan started to sit up.

“No I didn’t mean-”

“No it’s fine-“

“I – okay.”

There was something wrong, but in the dim flickering fire-light Sollux couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

_He probably just feels as awkward as you do._

“Can I get you a drink or..?”

“Uh, yeah,” Sollux shrugged helplessly, finding it easier to fall into their previous routine than anything else.

But then Eridan stood up, and Sollux had to bite back a gasp at his appearance. It was easier to tell when he stood – how his clothes hung off him, how his bones stood out starkly and how gaunt and lined with misery his face was.

Just standing seemed to have winded him, as Eridan swayed suddenly and lurched to the side, trying to regain his balance.

Without thinking Sollux stepped forward to grab hold of him and felt the bones in the wrist and shoulder under his hands. Eridan leaned into him for just a moment, then abruptly sat back down, his face shining in a cold sweat.

“M’sorry,” he mumbled, “Just give me a second.”

Sollux gaped at him.

“You have to be fucking kidding me.”

“M’sorry,” he whispered again and Sollux felt the tight thrill of panic grip his stomach. _Well what the fuck do I do now??_

He thought about calling Aradia for help – but Eridan was probably too proud to handle being nannied by her.

_Ok. Fine. I’ll do what Araida does with me when I get into states like these… Although I’ve never been this bad…_

Sollux squatted down in front of Eridan, and tried to keep his tone slightly authoritative, but not patronising.

“When was the last time you slept?”

“…Dunno… a lot… I sleep a lot… earlier?”

“Ok. When was the last time you showered?”

“…Dunno.”

“Ok. And when was the last time you ate?”

The silence seemed to stretch out longer this time before Eridan, raising his head slightly so Sollux caught a glimpse of the utterly _defeated_ look in his eyes. “I honestly – I don’t know. I don’t know – my head – I’m so tired-”

“It’s ok,” Sollux said hurriedly, placing one of his hands on a brittle shoulder. “First thing you’re going to do is get you to the ablution-block so you can shower and change your clothes. Don’t worry about anything else.”

“…Ok.”

Sollux helped Eridan up, slowly this time and, although he leaned on Sollux quite heavily, they made it across the room. All the while Sollux’s thoughts were a war between -

                _Oh my fuck – what the shitting hell do I do? I’m not cut out for this! I’m still not sure I even like the poor fucker-_

And

                _Just stay calm, don’t let him see how much you’re panicking – act like AA. Talk quietly but firmly and get him to shower, eat and sleep. That always works when it’s me…_

When they reached the stairs, Eridan stopped and just looked at the stairs, his face blank.

“What?”

“I fucking hate stairs.” He whispered and Sollux simply didn’t have an answer to that. Instead he let a little psionic energy wrap itself around them and it helped them half-stagger, half-float up the stairs.

By the time they made it to the nearest ablutionblock Eridan was pale and shaking, and by the time Sollux had him sat on the edge of the bath, he almost keeled over from sheer exhaustion.

_Maybe I should’ve insisted on food first…?_

_Bit fucking late now bucko, just stick with the plan._

Sollux got the shower running and turned to Eridan. He was about to suggest he left to find new clothes when, in the harsh light of the ablutionblock he noticed a dark stain on the stark white tiles.

“What’s-?”

A drip of the dark substance fell from Eridan’s sleeve and spattered on the tiles.

Sollux tensed. “Take off your shirt.”

“I c’n do it myself. D’nt need you now.” Eridan murmured, not raising his head.

“Right now the shower isn’t my main concern,” Sollux bit out, his voice sounding more angry than he intended, “Take off your fucking shirt so I can see what’s bleeding.”

When Eridan didn’t seem inclined to move, Sollux launched himself forward and wrestled the shirt over Eridan’s head, just tearing it when it got stuck over his horns.

Eridan hissed in pain as the material yanked open some just-forming scabs and shivered despite the warm steam beginning to fill the air.

Eridan didn’t say anything as Sollux took in the deep gashes, just blinked slowly with his head lowered.

Sollux didn’t say anything either, despite the screaming in his head.

When he found words, they were sharp and clipped.

“Shower. Be careful around those. I’ll get clothes. And antiseptic. And bandages.”

Eridan nodded slowly, and Solllux left the ablutionblock, stepped into a nearby room, grabbed a fancy cushion from a chaise-lounge, and screamed furiously into its golden embroidery for a solid minute.

When he was done he pulled out his phone.

 

tA: 2o here2 the thiing KK

tA: you really have 2 come over 2 ED’2 hiive

tA: liike pretty damn 2harpiish

tA: liike iim not kiidiing

 

cG: YOU REALISE ITS THE CRACK OF DAWN RIGHT

cG: LIKE NOT EVEN A GOOD MORNING??

cG: AND TO ANSWER YOUR REQUEST WHICH YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO PHRASE AS A DEMAND

cG: ABSO-FUCKIN-LUTELY NOT

cG: YOU KNOW IM NEVER TALKING TO HIM AGAIN

cG: FIRST CREEPY AMPORA GETS ON MY ASS ABOUT THIS

cG: AND NOW YOU OF ALL PEOPLE??

 

tA: KK he2 liike really not okay

 

CG: NEITHER IS ANYONE ELSE IF YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED

cG: I MEAN

 

tA: okay let me ju2t 2top you riight there

tA: becau2e while ii can feel youre warmiing up 2 the rant of the 2entury

tA: we have biigger fii2h 2 fry

tA: and by fii2h ii mean eriidan

tA: and by fry ii think ii mean “2ave the life of”

tA: becau2e ii literally think the 2iituatiion here iis that bad

 

CG: I WILL GIVE YOU MY RIGHT ARM IF YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS

 

tA: KK –

 

cG: LALALALALALA CAN’T HEAR YOU AND YOUR CRAZY DEMANDS TO HELP SOMEONE I NOW TRULY DESPISE

 

tA: okay well then fuck you

tA: you 2tubborn jacka22

tA: you know what,  thii2 ii2 the exact 2iituatiion iin which ii need a leader

tA: and iit turn2 out all we ever had wa2 a 2creamiing wriiggler who ran away when tiime2 got tough

tA: iil ju2t 2tay here and try to keep ED aliive then

tA: by my2elf

tA: you BA2TARD

 

cG: WAIT SOLLUX DO YOU MEAN –

cG: SOLLUX WE’RE STILL FRIENDS RIGHT?

cG: SOLLUX ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?

cG: SOLLUX?   

 

Throwing his phone down on the chaise lounge in disgust, Sollux walked back past the ablutionblock and hovered nervously at the door, wondering whether to call out to Eridan to check up on him.

_And if he says no? And if he says nothing and you have to drag his naked ass out of the shower??_

He decided against it, despite the guilt and fear that tugged at him, and instead ran down the corridor until he reached one of the many respiteblocks that made up Eridan’s hive. Inside he found a wardrobe, but it was full of ridiculously poncy clothes –all of which reeked of mildew and neglect and were probably a million sweeps old.

_Where the fuck is ED’s room??_

_Wait._

He ran back to the room he’d left his phone in and,  ignoring the frantic messages Karkat was sending him, found Eridan’s trollian handle and used the “locate device” add-on he’d installed a while ago. The app told him Eridan’s husktop was somewhere above him…

Finding the nearest porthole Sollux pushed it open as wide as it would go and flew out with his psionics vibrating nervously around him. It didn’t take him long to locate the captain’s quarters, but when he opened the door, the room looked more like a crime scene than a respiteblock.

The room was trashed, and was that blood –?

_Not important right now._

Sollux found a armoire that was only _slightly_ torn up, and inside found neatly hung and folded clothes.

He reached almost instinctively for the pinstriped trousers Eridan had always favoured, then thought better of it. They’d probably barely come down past his knees now, although he was probably skinny enough to get into them…

Instead he found some serviceable black trousers and a shirt. As he was looking for a jumper or something to keep Eridan warm, his hands brushed a purple cape, neatly hung on a hanger in the back of the armoire, and found himself pulling it out, a strange emotion rising in his chest.

_No time_

He hastily put the cape back and eventually found an Aquarius-marked jumper. In a chest of drawers he found pants and socks – all neatly folded for some bizarre reason – and hurried back to the ablutionblock where he’d left Eridan.

_What else… oh shit._

He didn’t have antiseptic. Or bandages. Oh well, time for those fancy-ass clothes to make themselves useful.

 

 

 

“That dress is from the reign of Her Imperious Valour,” Eridan whispered as Sollux tore the dress in question into strips to wrap around his bleeding forearms.

“I literally could not care less.” Sollux said through gritted teeth, trying not to breathe in the iron-tang of Eridan blood. _At least he had a shower – maybe that’ll be enough to stop this shit getting infected._

Eridan seemed slightly more lucid now, but the exertion of showering and dressing himself had left him as limp as a ragdoll. Sollux had no idea how he was going to get him back downstairs to eat something but _one problem at a time._

“There,” he grunted, tying the last make-shift bandage tight. “I don’t know how to bandage your neck without strangling you, but they don’t look too deep – although I think you’ve torn into your gill a little bit on this side-”

Sollux reached out to touch the wound and Eridan hissed and jerked back.

“Ok fine. Well. At least cover it for now.”

He held out the other thing he’d bought from Eridan respiteblock. A striped blue scarf, softened and frayed by sweeps of wear.

Eridan looked at it, then up at Sollux.

“What?”

“…Nothin’.”

“Good.”

Eridan still didn’t take the scarf so Sollux huffed and wound it carefully around his neck.

“Okay now. Now you have to eat something.”

“M’tired.”

“Yeah? You and me both bulgehead.”

Eridan groaned but allowed Sollux to help him up – _slowly._ It took a long time for them to perform their ridiculous, shambling, three-legged-race of a walk down the corridor and down the stairs, but they eventually made it to the hall. Eridan tugged towards the sofa area, but Sollux hissed “oh no you don’t” and steered him over to the nutritionblock and dumped him unceremoniously at the table, where he promptly buried his head in his hands.

Sollux turned away from him quickly so he could pull a face and mouth “fuck fuck fuck _fuck_ ”. If he could just get Eridan to eat something, maybe he’d start to feel better and – _and you could abandon him again? I don’t think there’s a quick fix here you complete knucklesponged ASSHOLE._

A quick search through Eridan’s cupboards revealed an ancient tin of processed fish-meat, and two teabags rattling around in a fancy box.

_Wow, good start._

“The choice is ramen or…. Mac and cheese” Sollux announced, pulling out the only food items he had in his sylladex.

Eridan raised his head and glared daggers at Sollux.

“What? Have I offended your royal tastebuds?”

“Not hungry.”

“You’re not -?” Sollux gaped at him, “I don’t give a fuck! I literally – dude – my fuck-reserves have been entirely depleted! You’re literally starving to death – you are aware of that, right?”

“I’ll eat tomorrow. Tired.”

“No – no – fuck you!” Sollux yelled, his eyes sparking with psionics and rage, “You don’t get to fucking do this – I’m making ramen and you’re going to sit here and fucking eat it!”

Eridan looked for a second like he was going to scream something in response – the air was as charged as the furious duels they’d had on LOBAF and the meteor lab but instead he did something much worse.

He started crying.

Quiet, helpless sobs he couldn’t disguise no matter how quickly he hid his face in his hands.

Sollux stared at him for a second, his mind frozen in one long _OH SHIIIIIIIIIII-_

“Hey, wait no,” he managed to say, he mouth suddenly dry and his palms suddenly damp with sweat. “Wait – look I didn’t mean,”

He slid into the seat opposite Eridan but didn’t know what to do. Should he try and pat his shoulder or something? Should he try apologise for shouting? How the fuck do you deal with crying people??

Everything in him told him to just get up and leave. Fuck this mess. Just get out. Have some fresh air and get out of this shitty misery cloud –

“Sorry.” Eridan’s breath still hitched, but he seemed to have got a hold of himself. He scrubbed at his face with one hand and continued without looking up at Sollux, “I know you hate shit like this. I just – I don’t know what’s wrong. I…” He stopped again. “Doesn’t matter.” He mumbled, “I’ll eat the fuckin’ ramen.”

Sollux let out a shaky breath.

“Fucking A”.

 

 

Watching Eridan force himself to eat one tiny cup of shitty ramen while obviously nauseous and struggling with every mouthful felt like a new personal circle of hell. Sollux was still fighting every instinct he had to just abscond from the situation, but his new strategy of leaning against a nutrionblock counter and pretending to play a game on his phone sort of worked. It meant he was technically supervising, but didn’t have to acknowledge the way Eridan took a deep breath before every forkful. The way his face was so pale and coated in cold sweat. The way he had to pause for almost minutes at a time between mouthfuls, to cover his mouth in his hands and let out tiny shaky breaths, like he was about to spew at any moment.

_Kill me now, I’m done. This is the worst moment of any timeline and I’m including having my chopped up body being thrown into the hellsprite._

It took Eridan almost forty-five minutes to finish the cup, and when he was done he pushed it away and rested his head on the table.

“There. That wasn’t so hard, was it?” Sollux said, this time aiming for cheery and landing on sarcastic. _Fuck_.

Eridan didn’t lift his head from the table.

“Can I sleep now?”

“Yes…”

Sollux suddenly realised he didn’t know what to do. Did he leave Eridan to sleep and go home – and risk coming back to a fucking hipster-douche corpse? Or did he stay and then… where would he sleep? What would he eat? Could he fucking hold it together long enough to stay with Eridan while he recovered from… whatever the shit this was?

Eridan seemed to read his silence.

“I don’t need a grub-sitter.” He said quietly.

“Really?” Sollux snorted, “Because from the evidence I’ve seen I think you fucking do.”

“Well go get troll-Mary Poppins and fuck off then,” Eridan shot back, the shadow of a snarl in his voice, “We both know you don’t want to be here.”

Just as Sollux tried to find a decent reply to that – _we both know you’re just saying that because you’re ashamed to your fucking core of how much I’ve had to look after you – we both know things are more complicated than that now, I don’t want to be here in this situation but I sort of fucking do want to be here to make sure you’re alright –_ someone began to hammer frantically at the outside hull of the ship.

“That was quick.” Eridan said, then laughed hollowly.

Sollux frowned, “Stay here. If that actually is troll-Mary Poppins I’ll ram a shuriken up my ass.”

Of course, when he reached the opening, it was the closest thing they’d ever had to Troll Mary Poppins. Karkat “fearless leader” Vantas. Shivering and crying in full-blown panic and too scared to step foot in the hull, wide-open though the entrance was. _Oh good. More crying. This is my lucky day._

 “Sollux! I’m sorry – is he? Oh god- oh man – oh god- no no no no no no -”

“I – you know what just shut up.” Sollux sighed, pulling Karkat in for a hug. “Eridan is… well not fine. But not dead either. So. There’s that. And I was a bit raw with you earlier but in fairness I was stressed out of my bifurcated mess of a brain and you WERE being a complete shitsponge.”

“I’m suh- sorry,” Karkat said wetly into Sollux’s chest, swallowing his tears as best as he could, “Are we still-”

“We’re still friends. Idiot. I’m still pissed off at you, but we’re still friends. Now get your act together because all three of us idiots can’t be having breakdowns at the same time. And honestly I… I literally can’t do this for much longer so you’re up. I gotta… take a break.”

 

***

 

Eridan had lowered his head back to the table, sure he could feel the ramen soup sloshing around in his stomach with every tiny movement, but the footsteps he heard coming back across the hull weren’t Sollux’s – they were heavier, shorter strides, and he forced his head up only to see Karkat Vantas, arms crossed across his chest, his head lowered so his red eyes glared out at him in the dim light.

_YOU ARE DEAD TO ME_

Eridan started and stood up from the table, getting his legs caught in the chair in his haste and staggering backwards until he hit the wall.

_UGLY SCARFNECKED DOUCHEBAG HIPSTER YOU_

Karkat didn’t say a word, just kept walking steadily towards him, head lowered as though he couldn’t bear to even _look_ at Erdian.

_I KNOW YOU’RE LONELY, GOD DAMN IT, WHO CARES_

Eridan pushed himself as far back into the wall as he could go and clutched one hand over his heart which was hammering furiously in his chest.

“K – Kar – what are you-”

_YOU ARE A STONE COLD RETARDED FUCKING IDIOT._

Eridan swallowed, feeling his throat constrict with emotion and his eyes fill with panicked tears.

_Why are you scared? He wouldn’t be able to hurt you even if he tried – you’re the best damn orphaner in a thousand sweeps._

_NOT TO MENTION COWARDLY BACKSTABBING MURDERER._

_I don’t want to hurt him but –_

_Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god -_

_I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU FOREVER._

“I’m sorry,” Eridan whispered, shivering pathetically against the wall, but when Karkat looked up his eyes weren’t full of hate – he looked like a tortured mix of furious and sad and ashamed.

“Eridan. You…” He scrunched his face up and Eridan tried to steel himself for the vitriolic insults, but instead Karkat just stomped round the table and hugged him. 

Eridan was so shocked he almost didn’t know what to do, but after a second he gingerly put his arms around Karkat in return and whispered, “Kar..?”

“You’re not allowed to just disappear and _die._ Okay??” Karkat said gruffly, butting Eridan under the chin with one of his small horns, “Why would you think - ? Why didn’t you -? I don’t –“ Karkat let out a wordless moan of frustration and butted Eridan again.

“Enough with the horn attack,” Eridan sputtered, pushing him back slightly and they eyed each other warily for a moment.

“Why are you here?” Eridan asked softly after a second. Karkat didn’t reply, just looked Eridan up and down critically. “What?”

“I think… I think we need to talk.”

 

***

 

“Ok,” Karkat said quietly, fidgeting a little on the sofa and staring ahead at the stove instead of meeting Eridan’s eyes, “can you tell me what’s been going on?”

Eridan thought for a long while and then sighed, “I can try. I’m not good at… I don’t think I know how to –“

“Just rant at me like you used to. Y’know, before-” Karkat broke off and looked away, his cheeks burning pink.

Eridan nodded, but inside his thoughts swam. _But it’s not like before. You… you hate me. Or at least I really thought you did – now I’m just confused –_

“How about you start by giving me your version of what happened on the meteor with you, Sollux and – and Feferi? Because I never gave you a chance to explain yourself before. I just lashed out and cut you off. Because I was furious… and because I was scared. And… sickened.”

Eridan winced at Karkat’s brutal honesty. But it somehow made it easier to start talking. _He’s acknowledged it’s awful. I’m not defending myself here, I’m just explaining…_

“In the timeline I remember most – where it happened - I was scared too,” Eridan began slowly, trying to pick the right words to express the swirl of thoughts and memories – some of which were Sollux’s – that clouded his mind, “I was scared of Jack, and I was scared of dying. It didn’t feel like a game anymore. It wasn’t.  And although I didn’t feel the way I used to about Fef, I still felt… protective.” He flushed as it came back to him, “And to be honest I still believed all that hemospectrum stuff. I thought it was important to save her… well her bloodline.”

“And you don’t believe that stuff now? Wait – no – sorry, getting off track” Karkat slapped a palm into his forehead, clearly having trouble containing all the words that he usually let just burst out. “What were you going to do to save her?”

“I…was… going to try switch sides. Join with Jack. Save us that way.”

“Just you and Fef.”

“Yes.”

“Wow. Selfish. And stupid.” Karkat turned to face Eridan them, clearly appalled, “Like - you’re fucking _smart_ dude. That was such a stupid plan,”

Eridan bristled a little, “Well I realise that _now._  I could just sense there was no hope for us. I was desperate.”

“Clearly.” Karkat huffed and crossed his arms, “So what happened?”

“Well, I got into a fight with Sollux. I wasn’t trying to fight him but – well. Anyway. He used his psionics. I used my wand. He got blinded - As you probably know.”

“Yeah because I dragged his unconscious body around the lab after. Sorry. Go on.” Despite making a conscious effort to swallow his words so Eridan could talk, Karkat couldn’t seem to help blurting out certain interjections. Eridan would have smiled if he wasn’t so cowed by the anger simmering behind Karkat’s red eyes.

“Well Fef saw what I did. And she turned to me and raised her trident, so I powered up my wand again, and she leapt for me and I – in that moment I was so angry and I wasn’t thinking – it was like she wasn’t Fef, just another fucking angel or lusus to kill and I…” Eridan felt a tremor run through him and closed his eyes as the image of Fef’s corpse slammed into his mind as though it had been punched through his forehead.

“Say it.”

Eridan met Karkat’s intense gaze and swallowed.

“I blasted her right through the chest.” He croaked, “And Kanaya saw and she had her lipstick-chainsaw thing in her hand so I – well I did it to her too.”

“But you did something before that. Something that Kanaya still thinks about with fury whenever she sees you.”

“I destroyed the matriorb,” Eridan whispered, “I – I don’t know why I – I was just angry, and scared, and wanted everyone to feel as hopeless as I did- And then I just fucking ran away. Like a coward. I came across Vriska in the meteor, she had her dice at the ready the second she saw me. But then I guess I was still holding my wand… And then Gamzee showed up. His face all clawed up. Honking away like a fucking lunatic. Wearing Nep’s hat and Eq’s shades. His club was covered in green blood and gore…” Now he’d started, the words had begun pouring out of his mouth. Like lancing a boil – the pus draining out in a poisonous stream.

“And I just thought – this it is, we’re doing this, we’re making it happen… But then Kan showed up – and she wasn’t dead – or well, she was, still had that fucking gaping hole in her midriff. Scared the life out of all three of us. She kicked Gam right in the bone bulge and he fucking flew off this ledge. Punched the shit outta Vris. And then she turned to me and  - well I guess I expected to be knocked out – beaten up a bit – cuz I fucking deserved it.” The image of Fef’s body was joined by Kanaya’s – first her lifeless corpse, then the image of her reanimated form, glowing like an angel and snarling, her fangs dripping with blood.

“But she took my wand and snapped it in half – and I swear I’ve never been so scared in my fucking life - her with her glowing skin and incredible strength –and she was screaming – just furious screaming – I was so scared I think my heart stopped. Which I guess it did, five seconds later. When she cut me in half.” Karkat seemed to flinch back and Eridan continued hurriedly, “And I’m not trying to get sympathy for that. I just mean – I mean that’s what happened. And I’m _sorry._ ”

Karkat nodded, taking time to digest the information. Eridan just leaned back in the cushions, utterly exhausted, ready or whatever judgement Karkat wanted to hand out.

“Well okay.” Karkat said slowly after a minute or so had passed, “I think I need more time to… to decide how I feel about all that. At the time I thought it was the evillest thing, what you did. Now… I don’t know, but compared to some of the stuff the rest of us did in various timelines, maybe you weren’t exactly an outlier. That doesn’t make you any better, just not worse.”

He trailed off, thinking, for another minute, then said, “So you and Sollux got made into Erisolsprite in a bunch of timelines… What was that like?”

Eridan snorted quietly, “Fucking awful. We’re not exactly the two most well-adjusted dudes in case you haven’t noticed, and we didn’t like each other to boot. But it was more than that –“ he suddenly felt a wave of weakness wash over him, so he laid back on the couch cushions, tucking his legs up so Karkat could still comfortably sit at the end of the sofa. From his new vantage point he could see that the fire had died from the small troll’s eyes. Which was… somewhat reassuring. “Kar we were living in each other’s _brains_. I could see his memories, his thoughts and feelings on various matters – and he could see mine. Which meant that I knew – no matter how casually he tried to play it – that he loathed me for the Feferi thing. In return he got to see how terrified I was of the angels from my planet…”

“That must be confusing.”

“Tell me about it.”

“No but like, now.” Karkat had pulled his legs up to sit cross legged on the sofa, and now leaned in with interest, “After the fact. Surely it’s difficult to remember whose memories are whose- and shit like that?”

Eridan smiled tiredly up at Karkat, “You are one perceptive little mutant. That’s not the half of it honestly but yeah. We’re both a little mixed up.”

“You in particular. Why are you ill? What’s been going on?”

Eridan suddenly felt very small again.

“Honestly Kar, I think I’ve been losing my mind a bit

“Really – how? Why?”

_How the fuck do I phrase this without sounding like a whiny little brat??_

“I… haven’t had anybody to talk to – I haven’t seen anyone in a month. Just me and my shitty brain knocking around in here. I… haven’t been doing very well. I know I used to be quite focused on quadrants but honestly? Now I’d settle for someone to talk to.”

 _Too whiny!!_ Eridan searched around for the words to describe how he’d been feeling, while Karkat stared down at him in shock.

“I’ve just been in a fog for ages. Or like – like I was slowly sinking into an ocean trench. I barely noticed it, but recently I look up and I was at the bottom. Getting out of the trench by myself was too big a task.”

Karkat was still remarkably silent. _You’re not explaining it properly!_

“I mean, like, I’ve always had a temper – and I used to try control it. Let it out when hunting for Fef, try keep it contained around people. But I never _was_ around people really until the meteor. I think that coupled with the stress of our session… well I don’t know.”

Karkat’s silence was making him nervous now, so Eridan found himself babbling to try fill the void.

“I swear shooting Fef and Kan was the biggest mistake of my whole life. I didn’t do it across all the timelines… but I did do it in a lot of them. I replay it in my head all the time - my memory of it, Sol’s distorted memory of it – I keep thinking if there was a way I could go back and fix it then.. . then things would be better. But I can’t. And there’s not really a way to fix it in the present. Feferi and Kanaya could forgive me, although lord knows I’d get it if they didn’t, but _I_ wouldn’t forgive me. Everyone would still know what I’d done. And maybe if I’d tried reaching out when things got really weird and hard, maybe it wouldn’t have been as bad as I feared in my head but… “ Eridan trailed off, and Karkat stirred.

“But you’re prouder than a musclebeast who just won gold at the national roideo.” He said hoarsely, “Can’t imagine admitting weakness would have been easy.”

“KK by that point I wasn’t proud. I was _scared.”_ Eridan admitted softly, rolling onto his side to speak into the crook of his elbow, “And ashamed, yeah, but not in the way you’re thinking… And I did try, in the beginning. Like, I realise this is all my fault and I need to be the one to deal with it. And I _tried._ I went to group meetings – but people just looked past me. Or looked at me like I was dirt. It was so… scary. I didn’t realise it could be scary to be around people… But, again, I grew up alone on a boat. Probably why I used to sabotage most of my relationships. Didn’t think I could actually handle it if they became a real… thing.”

Karkat _hmm’d,_ his voice sounding thick in his throat, and a second later Eridan felt a warm hand curl round his own. And Karkat was suddenly leaning over him to stroke his back. “I’m sorry,” Karkat murmured, “That we froze you out – intentionally or not. That clearly wasn’t the right thing to do. And I’m sorry that it took so long for me to see the problem – you are – you used to be – one of my best friends. I could always talk to you. I guess that’s why I took it all so personally. There was no warning –“

He stopped. Eridan was trying to hide the silent tears he was crying, but Karkat had heard his ragged breath. Or had some weird sappy sixth sense. Which was equally plausible.

“Come here.”

Eridan, still sniffing and shaking, allowed himself to be pulled up into a hug. “It’s going to be okay. I think.” Karkat said with a little sigh, papping Eridan gently in the warm silence of the hull. “Shhhhhh.”

 

***

 

Sollux came back into the room to find Eridan asleep on the sofa and Karkat hunched in an armchair, frowning to himself and lost in thought.

“You two good now?”

Karkat looked up, his face troubled, “…I don’t know. He’s not okay and I care about him but… I have a lot to think about.”

“I know what you mean.”

“You do?”

Sollux scowled. “Well turns out I actually give a fuck about him too. Still. Somehow. For some ungodly reason. So.”

 

***

 

Karkat promised he’d see Eridan through the night, so Sollux flew home feeling a mixture of relief and horrible, nagging guilt.

“Where have you _been_?” Feferi exclaimed, the second he walked through the door, flinging her arms round him and almost bowling him over. “You just disappeared – no one knew where you’d gone!”

Sollux hugged her back for a moment, then pulled away with a half-hearted “I can look after myself…”

“Debatable – but anyway there’s a mad person out there cutting off people’s hands and things!! You need to be careful!”

“I’m _fine,”_ Sollux groaned, then, spotting Aradia leaning on the doorframe to the nutritionblock, winced.

She gave a half smirk and mouthed “ _later”._ He nodded gratefully, and gave Feferi a gentle kiss on the cheek before dashing upstairs to shower. He could feel the ghost of Eridan’s blood on his skin.

Later, once he felt somewhat clean, he curled himself on the battered sofa Aradia had in her room – scavenged, no doubt, from some old ruin – and just let himself breathe slowly. Eventually the door creaked open and he looked up to see Aradia there, a soft smile on her red lips.

“You went to see Eridan then.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yep.”

“Bad?”

“You’ve no fucking idea.”

Aradia shrugged and perched on the edge of the sofa, “Fill me in then.”

Sollux groaned and rubbed at his eyes. “I just… this feels weird.”

Aradia nodded and slid down onto the sofa, pushing Sollux’s long legs out of the way. “I’m not your moirail. But I know you can’t talk about this with Feferi so,” she shrugged, “get it of your chest. I won’t pap you – promise.”

Sollux chuckled weakly and pulled himself up into a sitting position.

“He’s a wreck. And we all… let him become that… Especially me because I sort of implicitly promised I’d look out for him… Not in so many words but still…” It felt like the words were stuck in his throat, but he forced them out. There was something about Aradia’s patient gaze that just helped draw things out of him, “And jesus AA -  he was so weak he could barely stand up – and he was bleeding – he’d scratched himself up so bad – shit. Should I even be telling you that?”

“You should because I’m making a mental itinerary of supplies to give you for when you go back.”

Sollux looked at her, suddenly perversely grumpy at how well she was taking all this. “Who says I’m going back?”

“You’re not?” Aradia said with a wry smile.

“I… oh god damn it of course I am.”

“And do you want to tell me how you feel about him? You kept saying you needed to talk about that.”

To his horror Sollux found the blood rushing to his cheeks and he buried his head in his hands, groaning. “I just… it’s like I’m drawn to him – not in any specific way I just… miss him.”

“Well go hang out with him. Be friends.”

“But –“

“But it’s _complicated?”_

“Yes.”

“Nope!” Aradia said cheerfully, “He needs a friend, you want to _be_ his friend… problem solved.”

“I don’t think it’s that simple,” Sollux groaned, “And I shouldn’t even be talking this over with you – it should be FF but I’m so worried she’ll either be uncomfortable that I’ve bought him up – or just laugh it off.”

Aradia frowned at him then, tilting her head and regarding him critically.

“…What?”

“Sollux… Feferi isn’t as unreasonable as you seem to think. You think she’s going to get upset over one mention of Eridan? She’s got the thickest skin of anyone I know.”

“Well that or, as I said - she’ll laugh. Say he’s being pathetic… although that could be Eridan’s memories talking.”

Aradia cupped his chin and pulled him round into a gentle kiss, “Maybe just a little bit. I honestly think if you sit down and explain the situation to her – well, Sollux, she’s not heartless. In fact she can be a very caring and empathetic person – no one’s one dimensional. Particularly not her highness.”

“My hear ducts are burning!” Feferi sung from out in the hallway, and Aradia nudged Sollux in a _this is your chance_ sort of way. He bit his lip. Was the anxiety suddenly churning in his gut his own, or Eridan’s?

Oh fuck it.

“Actually, FF, could you come in a sec?”

Feferi poked her head round the door.

“Mm-hmmm?”

 “I just… can I talk to you?”

“Oh – sure!” she bounded across the room and immediately settled herself so she lay across both his and Aradia’s laps, spreading out luxuriously. Thankfully she wasn’t fresh from a swim.

Sollux snorted. “Comfy enough there, your highness?”

“It’ll do – but your nubs are _much_ too knobbly.”

She poked her tongue out and Sollux response by tickling her with psionicly enhanced fingers until she squealed for mercy.

Aradia a- _hem_ ’d and Sollux disappeared his psionics with a guilty grin.

“Oh yeah, uh, FF, can I ask you something?”

Feferi stilled, but the smile didn’t leave her lips. “Sure.”

“Well, um – it’s just that Eridan’s ill and-”

“Ill?” Feferi’s brow wrinkled in concern, “What’s wrong with him?”

“Well it’s hard to explain but it seems like he can’t – or won’t – eat. Or like… he knows he has too but he hates it all of a sudden? I don’t know.” Sollux suddenly felt intensely tired and Aradia reached over and squeezed his hand.

Feferi bit her nails a second, then said, “You know, maybe it’d help if he had food he likes? Like maybe he’d enjoy eating more if…” she trailed off.

“What?”

“Hold on, I’m looking… ah! Got it!” Fereri reached into her sylladex and pulled out a few tins of something.

“What’s that?” Aradia eyes the tins warily.

“Tinned sardines! Eridan used to _love_ tinned sardines mashed up on buttered grub-toast.”

“…Gross.” Aradia and Sollux spoke at the same time and Feferi broke into peals of laughter, her eyes sparkling with mischief, “I _know –_ they’re much better fresh – and _raw.”_

Sollux grimaced and Feferi laughed harder, then her face softened a little.

“Just… give it a try. And let me know how it goes.”

“Ok. Thanks.”

She left not long after and Aradia fixed a sheepish Sollux with her patented _“I told you so”_ stare.

 

***

 

In the morning Sollux went back to Eridan’s hive, his sylladex bursting with medical supplies from Aradia and the tinned sardines Feferi had given him. When he walked into the hull Eridan was sat in his usual place on the sofa, thumbing through a battered book.

“Where’s KK?”

“Good morning.” Eridan said snippily, then managed a small half-smile, the quirk of his lips so tentative it was as though he was scared acknowledging it would break the spell of the last day. “He’s upstairs in my recuperacoon. We watched a movie that ended really late.”

“Let me guess – some sappy romantic nonsense?”

“Yep.” Eridan grinned at him and they both laughed, a little forced, but friendly enough.

“Ok well, while he’s up there,” Sollux pulled out the first aid kit Aradia had packed for him, “Let’s sort out your… your scratches. AA taught me how to sew stitches and it only slightly revolted me to my core.”

Eridan looked a little stricken, so Sollux decided the best move was to bluster his way through.

“C’mon. Shirt off. Don’t make me ruin more of your clothing.”

Eridan put the book aside and, as he did so, Sollux noticed that two of his fingers had ugly purple bruising running down them to his knuckle.

“How did you break your hand-? You know what. Don’t tell me. Hurry up so we can get this done before KK comes down and faints or spews everywhere or something.”

Eridan nodded uncertainly, carefully removed his scarf, and tugged his jumper, then his shirt over his head. It made Sollux wince to see his bones so clearly under his skin; his collarbone and ribs too starkly in evidence to be anywhere near healthy.

_He can have food in a bit. First things first._

Sollux sat down next to Eridan on the sofa and laid out the first aid kit between them, then reached over to untie the makeshift rags he’d used as bandages the day before. Most were almost soaked through, stained and crusted with dark violet blood. The wounds themselves didn’t look too healthy – alternately weeping fluid, crusted with dark blood, or surrounded with shiny, taught-pulled skin as they were.

He pulled out the little bottle of antiseptic gel and grabbed Eridan’s left arm.

“Hold still.”

Eridan jerked back a little as the gel stung into his wounds, but was obediently still. As Sollux worked, applying the gel to first the tears in his arms, then his neck, then around his waist, he became all too aware of the silence in the room. A silence broken only by the distant slap of waves against the outer-hull, and the two trolls’ shallow breathing.

“Lean a little bit,” he instructed, his voice hoarse, and Eridan leaned forward so he could reach round him to carefully apply the gel to the gashes on his far side. Eridan’s skin was cold and Sollux could feel goosebumps under his fingertips-

“Ow!” Eridan yelped as psionic energy crackled under his ribs, “Jesus what’s that – shock therapy?”

“Sorry,” Sollux pulled his hand back, “Sorry when I’m stressed sometimes…”

His words seemed to crystallise in the air between them.

“Sorry.” Eridan mumbled.

There was a slightly too-long pause, before Sollux collected himself.

“Ok. Well. I’m done with antiseptic. I can bandage most of it but a few places need stitches.”

“Ok. Can I get a warning next time you’re planning on frying me?”

“Fuck off.”

Eridan grinned and Sollux snorted, then reached for the needle and medical thread. Aradia had shown him what to do. It couldn’t be that hard…

The two deep gashes on Eridan’s left arm, that were already seeping blood and fluid through the gel, were actually quite simple to stitch. That left one deep one under his left ribs and the one on his neck that had cut into one of his gills.

“Can you lean back… or maybe lie down? For this one.”

Eridan didn’t look down at where Sollux had gestured – he had barely looked at anything Sollux had been doing, really – just nodded and settled back as far as he could into the sofa.

“That work?”

Sollux slid off the sofa onto his knees and tested the angle, putting one hand flat on Eridan’s chest for balance, and threading the first stitch through the cut – with no warning, making Eridan hiss.

“Could you do this without being an asshole?”

“Shuttup. Concentrating.” Sollux replied, already onto the next stitch. The cut must have been almost an inch deep. And Eridan did that with his own hands?? Sollux shivered a little and tried to focus only on the steady passage of the needle through flesh.

When he was halfway through, however, he realised he was feeling Eridan’s heartbeat through his chest. No matter how much Eridan may have been acting unfazed, his heat belied his composure, hammering a thousand beats per minute against his chest, like it was trying to punch its way out of there.

Sollux stopped and pulled back for a moment, considering.

“What?”

“Nothing. Nearly done.”

“Okay.” And there it was. The tiniest tremor in his voice. The tiniest spark of fear behind his eyes.

_He’s fucking good at hiding stuff, huh?_

Sollux didn’t want to put his hand back over that hammering heart – didn’t really want to have proof of how scared Eridan was. It made the situation almost unbearable. But after reaching out and finding his hand hovering over the next available handhold – Eridan’s hip – he decided the chest was the lesser of two evils.

The second the cut was sewn up he motioned for Eridan to sit up and pulled out a handful of bandages.

“I still have to do the neck-one – but let’s cover this up – because if Karkat comes in now he will legit faint. And I'm _not_ dealing with that shit.”  


Eridan laughed softly and let Sollux wrap bandages round his arms, splint and wrap his broken fingers, and stick gauze over his sides.

“Last one.” Sollux didn’t know whether he was speaking to calm Eridan down – or himself.

 The last one was nasty, a scratch that had tugged at the edge of a gill-slit, and slashed it open. The wound running from the left side of Eridan’s neck, and round almost to the dead centre of his throat.

He threaded the needled with fresh thread and moved the first aid kit. To get close enough to sew, Sollux found himself having to shuffle forward until his right calf, bent in front of him, was flush against Eridan bony left thigh. And leaning forward to sew meant he could feel Eridan shallow breaths against his hair. He was also sure he could see Eridan’s pulse jumping in his neck.

Sollux swallowed, mouth suddenly dry.

“Hold still. This is probably going to _suck_.”

Eridan hummed his acquiescence, but still shuddered and let out a moan of pain as Sollux sewed the edges of the gill-slit back together.

“Nnnngh – stop – stop-!”

Sollux jerked his head as far back as possible, “What?”

“Hurts.”

“Yeah no shit. Shoulda thought of that before-” Once more his unsaid words hung between them. Eridan clenched his hands together in his lap. “Sorry. I don’t think before I open my stupid mouth.”

Eridan nodded – carefully.

“Can I finish this?”

Another nod.

_Good fucking job – could you quit throwing this shit in his face for one goddamn second??_

Sollux leaned back in and finished sewing around the gill-slit. Eridan tilted his head back at Sollux’s gentle push, and Sollux started to move round the front of his throat, being careful to keep the stitches shallow.

Again the silence seemed to press on the both of them, and Sollux could almost hear Eridan’s hammering heart. His cool skin was a little flushed now – no doubt from anger or shame at Sollux’s last words, and his breathing was shaky. Whenever Eridan swallowed Sollux paused for a second, scared of the needle slipping.

Sollux could feel the heat of his psionics jittering slightly behind his eyes and tried to calm himself down. Eridan would probably kill him if he accidently sent an electric current directly into his fucking throat.

Sollux was almost finished when he realised the absolutely bizarre nature of the situation. He had Eridan completely helpless; throat tipped back and bared, one hand gently cupped around his windpipe, the other sliding a sharpened object in and out of the skin around his jugular –

_I fucking dreamed of this back in the game- well not exactly this but – God I wanted him helpless and hurting so bad and now –_

He squeezed his eyes shut briefly to calm his psionics again.

_Okay abort abort – shit’s got too weird just finish up-_

He tied off the last stitch and covered the wound in gauze. Eridan tilted his head back up slowly and looked at Sollux almost shyly.

“Thanks.”

“Yeah. No problem.” Sollux coughed and looked away. He was suddenly aware he was still pressed up as close as possible to Eridan and skittered backwards on the sofa, covering his movement by grabbing up the medical supplies scattered around and packing them back up in the little case.

“Morning!”

Sollux whipped round and was so relieved to see Karkat in the doorway that he laughed.

“Morning KK, you missed all the blood and gross stuff – good timing.”

Karkat shuddered, “Good timing for _what?”_

“Breakfast.”

Karkat brightened up considerably, but Eridan had suddenly gone very quiet and still.

“I’ve got tinned sardines and grubloaf to make toast with,” Sollux said, striding determinedly over to the nutritionblock corner, leaving Eridan to start pulling his clothes back on.

“What was that?” He called over his shoulder at the mumbling behind him.

“I said I’m not fucking hungry,” Eridan snapped, head half-in, half-out of his shirt.

“I don’t give a shit. And anyway, a little birdie told me this was your favourite.”

Eridan managed to pull his shirt down and scowled suspiciously up at Sollux, “A little biride?”

“Fishie, then.”

Eridan’s face darkened and his hand balled into fists. When he spoke his voice was low and dangerous.

“What have you said to her?”


	4. a Broken Jar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat tries to get Sollux to see what he sees.  
> Eridan eventually has to get out of his bubble.
> 
>  
> 
> **Spoilers for the end/ reveal of More Stern and Blood than the Centaurs' Feast**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm honestly so sorry this took so long. Thank you so much for the kudoses and comments that kept me going, and I hope you enjoy this monster chapter.  
> It hasn't had as much refinement or editing as chapters past, but I've kept it from you for long enough so I'm posting now (and reserve the right to pull down and edit at a future date when my life isn't so hectic!) <3 <3

 

 “I literally just asked what your favourite food was.” Sollux lied, over his shoulder, as he began grabbing plates out of the cupboard. “KK you want sardines on grubtoast?”

“…Pass.”

“I bought cereal too.”

“Oh okay, great – “

“Could you stop acting like I’m a grub,” Eridan hissed, slamming past Sollux on the way to the table, “She’s your moirail. Of course you said more than that to her.”

Sollux scowled at him and rubbed his shoulder where Eridan has bruised it. “You’re just grouchy because I’m about to make you eat food.”

“I’d like to see you try make me do fucking anything.” Eridan muttered sitting down at the table, the small exertion of walking across the hull making him pale and dizzy.

Still, no matter how enfeebled he might look, Eridan’s words were enough to rile Sollux to the point where he saw red and suddenly had twin balls of psionic energy in his palms –

“Enough!” Karkat roared stomping between them and shooting them both with furious glares. “God it’s like dealing with a ecto-grubs. On steroids. Who just came joint-first in a prolapsed wastechute competition. Can you two wait until _after_ breakfast before ripping each other limb from limb?”

Sollux managed to turn his fury into a chuckle, but Eridan was still shooting him dark looks, and none darker than when Sollux put a plate in front of him.

“It’s too much.” Eridan said immediately, folding his arms.

Sollux gaped at him. “It’s _one measly slice of toast_ with a bit of fish on it.”

Eridan shrunk into himself, suddenly looking cowed and very young. And despite nearly blasting his head off with psionic energy a second ago Sollux immediately felt bad.

“How about this,” Karkat said, leaning over and grabbing the knife and fork. With precise little movements, he cut the toast into four squares and folded one into his mouth.

Eridan’s mouth fell open in to a little “o” of surprise as Karkat chewed up the morsel and swallowed.

“You have to eat those three okay?” He said. Then, frowning, he added, “You know – that isn’t half bad.”

Sollux found himself laughing in relief for the second time in as many minutes, and even Eridan managed to quirk his lips into a small smile.

_Thank fuck KK’s here._

 

 

Eridan looked down at his plate and felt his gorge rise.

“Is it going to be better or worse if we sit and eat with you,” Sollux asked from where he was leaning on the counter, his mouth already full of cereal.

Eridan watched him slurp up another spoonful and chomp away with his crooked fangs.

“Worse,” he ground out 

 

 

Eridan had just managed to eat his plate of sardines on toast when Sollux came careening down the stairs and into the hull.

“What?” Karkat said, leaping up from the sofa where he’d been reading, “Did Porrim and Cronus find out who attacked Kankri-”

“No but apparently they went up against Gamzee – which _fuck_ I shoulda known because Porrim asked me if I could work out if he was at his hive - but I was too busy with-”

“Slow down,” Eridan said, standing up, “What did they do?”

“Well they found out Gamzee didn’t do it – but they got into a huge fucking fight by the sound of things – Eridan I think your dancestor might need your help.”

“What? Why?” Eridan blanched at the thought of leaving his hive – and then felt immediately ashamed of his timidity.

“He got stabbed in the throat – he’s bleeding pretty badly-”

“He needs blood? Sure, no problem,” Eridan started tugging his jumper on and reaching for his phone. Like it or not he owed Cronus – if not for his life, then for his sanity.

“Is Porrim okay? Is Gamzee?” Karkat asked sharply, following Sollux’s long strides across the hull with a trot that would have been funny if the situation was less dire.

“They… they’ll both be fine. In time. Please for the love of fuck stay off the memos, I’ll keep you updated.”

“Wait you’re leaving me here?”

“Oh, you wanna come see another bloodbath?” Sollux wheeled round and Karkat pulled up short.

“…No.”

“Yeah that’s what I thought.” Sollux said, not unkindly.

He led them outside, then held his hand out to Eridan, who scowled.

“You’re having a laugh.” Eridan said flatly, “There’s a transportaliser just over from the beach.”

“We don’t have time.” Normally Eridan would think Sollux was joking, but his lips were pulled into tight lines over his teeth, and psionic energy crackled around his eyes. This was serious. “Hold on tight and try not to flail around.”

Eridan put his hand nervously in Sollux’s, and Sollux took off, energy crackling around them both. He accelerated upwards for a few seconds, then swung his arm up so Eridan flew up in front of him, before deftly catching him under the armpits.

“This is safer, trust me.”

Eridan, unable to speak, so convinced as he’d been, that he’d been pulled back into that awful dream where the angel had dropped him, just let out a muffled squeak and clung on for dear life as Sollux flew them across the sea.

 

When they reached Kankri’s hive, the place was in uproar. They entered through the back door to find Meulin in the nutrionblock doorway crying in panic, trying to stop Kankri from pushing his way into the room.

Porrim looked awful, her dress torn and deep jade bruises forming across her chest and round the side of her head. She was screaming and dribbling blood and saliva, her mouth somehow unhinged from the rest of her head.

Cronus looked worse however – sprawled out on the nutritionblock table – he was covered in ugly violet bruises and bleeding from any number of deep scratches and what could well be bite marks. What was worse, however, was the way his arms and legs were flung out akimbo, bending in all the wrong places, clearly shattered. His white shirt was almost entirely drenched in violet blood, and a wound could be seen bubbling in his gut. Porrim was screaming because no matter how hard she pressed on it, she couldn’t stop the spray of blood from Cronus’ neck, and his skin was almost paper-white now, his body shaking and jerking uncontrollably.

“Help me!” She moaned when she saw Sollux in the doorway, and Sollux didn’t hesitate; launching himself across the table and burning the hole in Cronus’ neck shut.

“Porrim?” Eridan jumped as Rose’s voice called out from behind him. She was marching determinedly up the garden path, handfuls of medical supplies in her hands, and behind her –

Kanaya didn’t even glance in Eridan’s way as she swept past, but the coolness of the passage made Eridan shrink into himself, the interaction winding him far more than the sight of his dying ancestor.

“Eridan he needs at _least_ two pints of blood,” Rose said, setting up some sort of bag with tubes attached, “I assume by your presence that you’re willing to help-?”

“Yes, mm-hmm,” Eridan said, trying not to look at where Kanaya stood, implacable, beside her.

“Sit here, quickly.” Rose pushed a needle into the crook of his forearm and he watched, fascinated, as the bag began to fill up with dark violet blood. “Just stay here while I try to patch him up.”

Eridan nodded, horribly aware of Kanaya behind him.

To distract himself from her presence, he watched intently as Rose cut away Cronus’ shirt and began to sew the wound in his stomach, and strap his ribs with a thick tape.

“This one’s done.” Kanaya said from behind him and Eridan nearly jumped out of his skin. She knelt down to carefully remove the bag and set a new one in place, all the while managing to act as though Eridan was nothing more than an inanimate object. He could feel her breath on his arm as she worked. He shivered.

His blood was attached via a drip to Cronus’ arm, and Rose began to tug down his jeans to look at the broken and mangled bones of his hips and knees.

“Darling can you please see to your dancestor?” Rose called over her shoulder, and Kanaya stepped forward.

“I’m fine,” Porrim rasped, swaying on the spot and gripping the edge of the nutritionblock for support.

“You will be,” Kanaya said softly, “but a few bandages couldn’t hurt.”

She led Porrim out of the room and Sollux came over to Eridan’s side.

“You doing okay?” He muttered, eyes drawn inextricably to the gory mess on the table.

“I’m a little dizzy, but otherwise it’s fine – doesn’t hurt.”

“How dizzy?” Rose asked sharply, looking over from where she was strapping Cronus’ knee into place.

“Just a little. It’s fine honestly.”

She frowned at him and came over, grabbing his wrist and examining his face. “No that’s enough. You’re done. Go lie down next door.”

“Are you sure?” Eridan looked uneasily over at Cronus’ battered body. He still looked horrifyingly pale.

Rose stopped removing the needle to twitch up an eyebrow.

“What?”

“I just didn’t think there as any great love between you and your dancestor.” She said with a little shrug, her words quietly demanding an explanation.

“There’s not – I just… owe him.” Eridan mumbled, and flushed despite himself.

“Okay,” Rose said, looking for all the world as if she was filing this information away for later, “Sollux would you help him to the sofa next door? Be careful in case he faints.”

“I’m not going to-” Eridan began, but then trailed off as he stood up and his vision whited out.

“Famous last words,” Sollux grunted, hefting most of his weight and half walking – half dragging him next door.

 

 

In the livingroom Kankri was pacing anxiously while Meulin sat curled in an armchair, nervously picking at the blue tail accessory she always wore. Kanaya was gently wiping blood from Porrim’s face as she moaned in protest. Kanaya didn’t look over when Sollux deposited Eridan on the sofa, but the profile view of her face – resolutely set and focussed intently on her task – still made his stomach clench. He prayed his meagre breakfast would stay down because he’d probably just die of embarrassment if he threw up in front of her.

After a little while of breathing while Sollux patted him absentmindedly on the arm (texting all the while with his free hand), Eridan began to feel better. He tried not to stare at Kankri as he paced – he looked so much like Karkat, except his face was pinched with sickness and worry, and the way he twitched and looked about him constantly was far too skittish a mannerism for a Vantas.

After a few minutes, when Porrim’s jaw was bandaged and a cold compress pushed against the deep bruises mottling her chest, Rose called Kanaya into the kitchen, and Eridan let out a breath he hadn’t noticed he’d been holding –

But then Kanaya was back, and standing over him.

“Two things. One: eat this. You’ve just given blood and Rose tells me it’s important to have something sugary.” Eridan took the proffered cookie with numb fingers. Kanaya’s words were clipped and precise, as always, but there was also an icy coldness to them. She didn’t look at him once as she spoke. “Two: Rose would also like your advice, as Cronus had some deep cuts to his… here.” She reached out quickly and pointed at the delicate fin membrane that protruded from his ears. He flinched at the sudden movement and Kanaya drew her hand back with a sniff. “Is it safe to stich them? Or would that damage the membrane further?”

Eridan realised to his horror that he was almost in tears. Kanaya wasn’t _doing_ anything, so why did he suddenly find her presence so intimidating?

“It… uh, no. You can stitch it.” Eridan had to force the words round the lump in his throat.

“Thank you. Eridan.” His name was a sneer. She moved away quickly.                                  

It was the hatred, he realised. The cold hatred rolling off her as she spoke to him; was forced to be near him however momentarily. 

Eridan gripped the edge of the sofa until his knuckles went white, the cookie held dumbly in his other hand.

“Eat that, then we’ll go.” Sollux said quietly, then almost as an afterthought, “And don’t worry about KN. She’ll come round.”

 _No she won’t._ Eridan thought, but aloud he said, “If I eat this now I’ll barf all over you the second you take off.”

“We’d better take the transportalisers back then.” Sollux said with a shrug and Eridan resisted the urge to throw the _fucking_ cookie across the room.   

When they got back Sollux and Karkat managed to take his mind of Kanaya – by dint of just… being themselves. They bitched and griped at each other over what movie to watch, why the other’s choice of movie was utter shite, who got to sit where – pretty soon Eridan couldn’t listen to them for laughing and Kanaya’s utter contempt for him got filed away under _to deal with later._

Over the next week Sollux and Karkat came round to hang out every day. Sollux and Eridan could play a pretty decent game of Cyvasse (Karkat couldn’t get a hang of the rules and got close to table-flipping once too often and became banned – but he made a pretty decent mediator when Sollux and Eridan got too heated). Sollux bought round a video game for them to play – which made Eridan roar with laughter when he saw the arse shaped avatar Sollux had cooked up for Karkat. And Karkat bought plenty of sappy films for them to watch (or to patently ignore while constantly texting, in Sollux’s case).

All in all, it was… like a dream. A good dream, but a dream nonetheless. On the rare occasions when both of them left, Eridan found himself doubled over in a bizarre mix of exhaustion and happiness, his heart feeling like it was swelling to the point of bursting, eyes streaming with tears.

The only thing that marred their time together – that made Eridan cautiously believe this was actually happening and he hadn’t just lost his pan – were the furtive looks Sollux and Karkat often shared. There’d be moments of charged silences and pointed looks, and then one of them would say something like “shit I just realised how hungry I am – let’s make some food”, or “hey maybe you should go home and shower -I can smell your stink from over here.” Their words sound stilted, scripted even – making Eridan ever-so-aware that on some level this was a charade. They had fixed times to make him eat food, fixed times when they’d let the other off duty. Did they even fucking want to be here – or were they literally just on Eridan suicide watch??

All too often Eridan would find himself beaming in happiness at the way Karkat’s arm pressed against his as they watched sound dumb movie, or the way Sollux yelled out in triumph when he won a battle in some video game – and then suddenly Eridan would catch a look between them, or see some subtle gesture, and his happiness would freeze in his throat, it’s jagged edges choking him.

Eridan still managed to play along – he didn’t want to say something and have them just leave him again – but he found a tiny part of himself _hating_ them as he forced down some meal that tasted like mulch in his mouth, as he saw the relief in their eyes at another job well done.

 

It had been almost a week when, like clockwork, Sollux made some offhand remark about the bags under Karkat’s eyes, and Karkat agreed he needed to go home and sleep.

Karkat signed out of the game they’d been playing and handed the controller to Eridan – then almost as an afterthought gave him a quick goodbye hug. The casual touch made Eridan shiver, but he quickly tensed after Karkat had gone, waiting for Sollux to say the next line in his predictable script.

They played a few more battles, Sollux winning most of them with ease as Eridan was too stressed to concentrate properly, and then he put down his controller.

“Well I don’t know about you but I’m fucking starving-”

“Go make some food then.” Eridan snapped, “Nutritionblock’s all yours.”

He pressed a few buttons and started battling with a random NPC. He could few Sollux’s gaze boring into the back of his head.

“Allow me to rephrase,” Sollux bit out after a moment, using his psionics to shut off the screen, “I’m making food for the both of us. For us both to eat. Because it’s dinner time. You know – that thing that happens every day.”

“Fine. Make food for the both of us. It’ll be a complete waste because _I’m not hungry_ and I’ll be throwing mine in the trash.”

“Could you not do this right now,” Sollux said tiredly.

“When you don’t have Kar for backup, you mean?”

“When you’ve been getting _better!_ ” Sollux was suddenly yelling in exasperation, the air crackling with psionic static, “A few days ago you looked like a walking skeleton – you at least look a bit alive now so can we not go back to fucking tantrums before every meal?”

“Tantrums -? Fuck you.” Eridan was standing now, every muscle in his body tensed in outrage. _Tantrums?_ When every bite of food stuck in his throat and made him want to gag? When he’d been trying so hard to eat normally to keep them happy, keep them with him?

“Well how would you describe it then?” Sollux yelled back, his eyes sparking dangerously, “It is exactly like looking after a grub – _Eridan you have to eat, Eridan you’re not allowed to mutilate yourself- “_

Eridan threw a cushion at Sollux, hard. It was the first thing to hand, and while it probably didn’t hurt, the _smack_ of it hitting Sol’s face was satisfying – not to mention the furious sound Sollux came out with.

Eridan’s satisfaction was short-lived, as Sollux retaliated with a bone-juddering pulse of psionic energy that made him cry out and drop to his knees with a crunch of bone on wood.

“I’m not KK,” Sollux growled, “I am going to fight back if you start something – so go on. I fucking dare you. What can you do without your weapons anyway?”

Eridan stood slowly and was shocked to hear the low chuckle that bubbled out of his throat.

“You two don’t give a shit about me, do you? You’re just fucking grubsitting me in case I inconvenience everyone by dying. By making a scene.”

Sollux blinked, “No – wait – that’s not- “

“Why don’t you just go home to your matesprit and your moirail and all your friends.” Eridan said, turning away from Sollux – and growling when Sollux launched across the room to grab his arm, jerking him back round.

“Look. I get it, okay? I fucked up.” Sollux spat the words out, not meeting his eyes, “I shouldn’t have left you alone all that time – but every day it was more awkward – because it was one more day I had to explain not talking to you for. And being around you is weird because we just wind each other up all the time like right now, but at the same time I remember _being you_ and believe it or not I do actually give a fuck and-” Sollux broke off and released his grip on Eridan’s arm. “Will you please just come and eat? Or maybe use your words and explain to me why you don’t want to – because if you say you’re not hungry again I swear I’ll shock that fucking steak out of your hair.”

It was a feeble attempt at humour, but Eridan let out a small breathy laugh just to fill the awful staticky silence between them.

“I’m really not hungry… too full of… guilt or something.”

His words were weak and sounded pathetic in his own ears. Behind him, Sollux just sighed.

“C’mere. Idiot.” Sollux pulled him into a clumsy hug. “No more guilt. Just put it away somewhere and don’t think about it for a while. It’s not important right now. You’re Eridan Ampora for fucks sake. You’re the best fucking Orphaner in a thousand sweeps. You can cull a plate of dinner.”

“Half a plate.”

“ _Three quarters_. And if you tell anyone I hugged you I’ll- “

“Don’t worry,” Eridan said, pulling away with an expression of mock-disgust on his face, “That’s its own punishment.”

“Damn right.”

 

 

Dinner was mac and cheese. Sollux was no cook, so he stuck to what he knew, but Eridan hated having to choke down the thick gooey lumps of pasta, and the sauce felt like it was coating his throat with every mouthful.

For some stupid reason, though, he couldn’t get Sollux’s words out of his head. _You’re Eridan Ampora for fucks sake._ So despite how awful he felt, and despite having to watch Sollux perching on his nutritionblock counter and open-mouth chewing with horrifying gusto, Eridan managed to finish his three-quarters of a plate serving.

He still felt sick and uncomfortable afterwards but still… _I’m Eridan Ampora for fuck’s sake._ A small uncontrollable smile tugged at the corners of his lips and he looked up to see Sollux beaming at him – macaroni caught in his stupid goddamn wonky fangs.

“I knew it – I’m a super chef.”

“You’re disgusting.”

Sollux poked his tongue out and Eridan almost gagged at the amount of food he still had in his mouth.

“Could you eat like a troll and not a fuckin’ oinkbeast?”

“Beat me at Battlezone and I’ll eat like a highblood – pinky out and everything.”

Eridan grinned at the challenge. He was fucking _good_ at Battlezone. And he remembered all Sollux’s cheatcodes and signature moves from being Erisolsprite.

“You’re on.”

Three hours and an increasingly annoying tied score-sheet later, and they unlocked a bonus stage they’d never seen before. Their avatars marched out into a dark plaza, with tall gothic building on all sides, and a big silver moon giving just enough light to see the gargoyles and crenulations at the top of the tallest buildings. The shiver started somewhere at the top of Eridan’s spine, and he found his mouth had dried up. Before he had the chance to connect the dots, Sollux flung his controller down.

“You are _thitting_ me.” He yelped, his lisp appearing out of nowhere, “A _LOWAA_ thtage? I think the fuck _not.”_

LOWAA. Of course. Why hadn’t Eridan seen it sooner – the tall buildings with the darkened doors and windows that looks like gaping mouths in the moonlight, ready to swallow you up or spit out some new horror.

Sollux turned off the console, and gave Eridan a shaky grin.,

“Thoryy – _Sorry._ I suddenly don’t fancy playing – do you?” Eridan shook his head mutely, “Good. Well. Let’s call it a draw… I gotta say – thank you for the ability to say that letter “s”, but fuck you _so much_ for the recurring angel nightmares.”

“How often do you get them?”

Sollux shrugged, “Most nights if I’m being honest.”

“Same.” Eridan looked down at his hands and there was another one of those staticky silences – that were somehow loud with unsaid words.

“I didn’t realise.” Sollux said suddenly, staring down blankly at the screen of his phone, “When you kept asking people to come visit, I mean. I thought – “

“You thought I was attention seeking.” Eridan said with a sigh. “Which is exactly what I was doing, so you’re not wrong, but - “

“But I didn’t realise why you needed the attention – the company.” Sollux clicked on some pre-installed game on his phone and played almost on auto-pilot as he spoke, clearly not wanting to connect with the conversation. “It was only when, well, you know.” _Erisolsprite. The trunkbeast in the room._ “I didn’t realise how genuinely thpooky that world was. How cold and empty and echoing it was… I legit think I would’ve gone mad.” He finished in a mumble.

“I think I did, a bit.” Eridan admitted, “That’s why I was incessantly messaging everyone – future, past, whatever. Didn’t matter. I just had to know that other people fucking _existed_ and I hadn’t gotten trapped in some weird nightmare. Which is exactly what it felt like given my consorts.”

“The angels.” Sollux agreed, “That was the other thing. I thought you were just a murderous lunatic for killing them, but then-”

“They never left me alone.” Eridan said, a violent shiver suddenly rattling his teeth, “Always whispering… horrible things – predictions, or prophecies or whatever, fuckin’ awful. And they would touch me – like reach out a grab at me as they spoke. I couldn’t….” He trailed off, teeth chattering loudly in the silence, unable to find the words for the skin-crawling horror of it all. When he’d killed the first one with a blast from Ahab’s Crosshairs he’d felt such _relief,_ only for the rest of them to turn on him in their fury.

He jumped when Sollux moved, sliding down from where he’d been perched on the sofa until he sat shoulder-to-shoulder with Eridan on the floor.

“I know. I don’t blame you. I don’t actually know how you held out for as long as you did.”

 

 

They watched some inane cartoon to try get their mind off the angels, and fell asleep – Eridan curled in the armchair and Sollux sprawled across the sofa - in the early hours of the morning.

Eridan didn’t know when he’d shifted into unconsciousness, he only realised he was in a dream when he found himself on the deck of his hive – but fully restored to its former glory and sailing smoothly on a calm azure sea.

 _S’funny,_ he thought, with a smile, _after talking about angels I would have expected -_

Right on cue, the dream shifted and Eridan was standing on the cobbled streets of the abandoned city in LOWAA. _Good fuckin’ job idiot, you could’ve had a nice dream but noooo-_

At the end of the street a wispy figure had appeared, and as he watched its mouth fell open impossibly wide and let out a screech that split the night. A hundred more angels answered the summoning, spewing out of the empty eye-socket widows of the houses around him, and lighting the night with their ethereal glow.

Eridan gulped and hefted Ahab’s Crosshairs into the crook of his shoulder.

 _You’re Eridan Ampora for fuck’s sake._ He thought to himself, only a little uncertainly, _You’ve got this._

He was just about to start firing, when he realised that this night something was different. For once Eridan wasn’t about to face the angels alone – because when he turned his head -

“Let’th kick thome angel _athh”_

 

 

Sollux woke up, stiff as a board, to the smell of burnt toast. Looking over, and groaning as his neck muscles protested, he found Eridan scowling in the middle of the nutritionblock.

“What are you doing?” Sollux said as he yawned widely.

“Making breakfast. Or trying to.” Eridan said, his scowl deepening.

“And how did you fuck up _toast_?” Sollux said, unable to hide his wide, delighted smile, “Like even I can do toast – and I’m _me.”_

“Well either you or KK have fucked with the settings on my toaster!” Eridan snapped, then added childishly, “I _can_ make toast.”

“Alright,” Sollux said, standing up to his full height and stretching, “Prove it. Make me breakfast. And before you say anything-” he added quickly, as Eridan’s mouth fell open in protest, “Remember who’s been making you meals for the few days.”

“I remember who’s been making me _edible_ meals – and that’s Kar,” Eridan snapped back, while nevertheless grabbing more slices of grubloaf for the toaster.

 

 

After eating a paltry, by Sollux standards, breakfast, Sollux was just about to say he should head home for a bit when Karkat burst in.

“What _now?_ ” Sollux groaned as Karkat rushed over.

Karkat slowed and frowned at him, “What?”

“Why did you come sprinting in like that? What’s the new emergency?”

“Oh. Nothing. I was just looking forward to…” Karkat trailed off and a faint pink blush rose in his cheeks.

“ _Awwwww KK!”_ Sollux yelled, grabbing Karkat into an embrace and whirling him around, “You just wanted to see us!”

“Shut up bulgebrain.” Karkat yelled, pounding Sollux on the back until he was dropped unceremoniously to the ground.

Sollux collapsed into a fit of giggles – and was pleased to see the faint smile on Eridan’s face.

_Good. Stupid fucker needs to stop with the “grubsitting” biz. Karkat really wants him to feel better. And I-_

Sollux stopped himself before he could examine that train of thought too thoroughly.

_I… don’t mind being here._

“So, what do you want to do today?” Eridan asked, once Karkat had gathered himself up.

Karkat shrugged, “Don’t mind. Although I’m out of movies until Dave un-confiscates some of my favourites. He says it’s for my own good. Don’t ask.”

“We could play- ” Sollux began.

“Nope!” Karkat half-yelled. I don’t want to watch you two bitch at each other over Cyvasse today –and I’m _not_ playing Battlezone unless you change what my player icon looks like.”

_Get rid of the arse-vatar? Fuck no._

Sollux said as much and Karkat scowled at him. Sollux grinned widely, but then saw how tense Eridan suddenly looked. He was good at hiding things, but Sollux could read him better now. His shoulders were too tight, his hands gripped the edge of the nutritionblock counter like he was hanging on for dear life, and his fins were flared out wide to either side of his face. His expression was ostensibly neutral, but his lips were pressed together in a tight line. Something was wrong.

Sollux nearly smacked himself in the forehead when he clocked it.

_He thinks if there’s nothing to do we’ll just leave._

He spent a tense moment coming up with options when the idea struck, “Follow me!” He said, leaping up and striding over to the stairs.

“Where are you going? In _my_ hive-?” Eridan yelled after him, before half-jogging to catch up, and immediately having to pause to catch his breath.

“I swear to god if you have a body stashed in one of the rooms…” Karkat growled and Sollux snorted.

“ _Way_ better. Trust me.” He grabbed Eridan without thinking, pulling a skinny arm over his shoulders to help him up the stairs.

“I can do it.” Eridan hissed quietly, as Karkat stomped up the stairs.

“Yeah? Wanna bet?” Sollux said raising an eyebrow as Eridan took another gasping breath from his run over.

Eridan just huffed, but didn’t protest further, and let Sollux support him up the stairs.

“Where are we going anyway?” Eridan grumbled, snatching his arm back the second they reached the next floor.

“You’ll see.”

Sollux kept them following him until they reached one particular room.

“…Well? There’s nothing special in here.” Eridan said.

Sollux ignored him and pulled open one of the huge wardrobes to reveal a collection of ancient clothes.

“Oh come on. Don’t tell me you’ve never played dress up.” He said, grinning widely around his crooked fangs.

Eridan stared at him, open mouthed, and then Karkat whooped,

“Holy shit I can’t believe I never thought of this!” He dived for the wardrobe and yanked out an incredibly wide brimmed hat and pulled it on, his tiny horns barely showing out the top of the horn-holes, and whirled a mouldering yellow cape around his shoulder

Eridan caught Sollux’s eye and cracked a smile.

 “ _That_ cap with _that_ hat? Kar please, we can do better.”

 

An hour later they were lounging around decked out in the ancient finery. Sollux wore deep purple velvet bell-bottoms, a white shirt with an enormous embroidered collar, suspenders, and a short black jacket. Karkat sported ill-fitting leather trousers, a black tunic, the yellow cape and a pair of huge black sunglasses, and Eridan had a deep maroon dress cinched tight at the waist that flounced out into ruffles, a crocheted shawl that was big enough to hide most of his bandages, and the hat Karkat had originally picked out, the veil flipped back.

“We need to do a photoshoot,” Eridan said suddenly, and Sollux’s head snapped up.

“Oh hell no – if literally anyone saw those pictures I’d never hear the end of it.” _FF would give me shit for the next millennia -_

“But you look so _dashing_ ,” Eridan shoot back with a gleeful sneer.

“Fuck you. KK thoughts?”

“Photoshoot,” Karkat said with a huge grin, and Sollux groaned.

“Oh for the love of – what have I got myself in to?”

“The greatest pants you’ve ever had the good fortune to wear?” Eridan was clearly trying to be cutting, but his smile took the sting out of the barb. “Hang on, I’ve got a camera.”        

He dashed out of the room with the dress pulled up round his knees.

“I hope you trip on that thing and break your neck!” Sollux yelled after him, scowling as Eridan’s laughter floated back.

Karkat laughed, then a thoughtful look crossed his face.

“What?”

“You know what’s going on with you two?”

“No.” Sollux immediately got his phone out. He wasn’t having this conversation now. Karkat didn’t get the message, however, and barrelled right on – taking off his sunglasses to gesture with them.

“Well you both sort of dislike each other, or at least you get a kick out of being a dick to each other. But you also care for his wellbeing – and you’ve been almost baiting him into getting better and the competitiveness is sort of good for you both and-”

“KK don’t say it. Not now.” Sollux buried his head in his hands, the lacey sleeves of his stupid shirt proving a good hiding spot.

“Why? And also, no, fuck you, I’m saying it. You _know_ there’s a word for this situation! And it’s-”

“No.”

“Kismesis.” Karkat finished smugly, putting his sunglasses back, aping Sollux’s favourite punchline. The _bastard._

“Kk-“ Sollux groaned and ran a hand over his face, “KK I already- “

_I already brought that up in the game. And he was over it but I had beef with him and it’d just be so awkward to rehash that –_

But Sollux couldn’t voice any of that so he settled for saying, “Look we can just be friends. Not everything has to have a label.”

“But you don’t think of him as a friend!” Karkat hissed, throwing his hands into the air, “You’ve said as much on multiple occasions!”

“I…” Sollux deflated slightly. “Look can we not talk about this now?”

Karkat shrugged. “Sure. Whatever. Live in denial. By the way you totally suit those pants.”

“Oh suck my bulge,” Sollux laughed reluctantly and zapped Karkat gently with his psionics.

 

 

After the photoshoot, in which it turned out Eridan was as good at striking dramatic poses as he was picking out flamboyant outfits, Sollux changed and went home, trying very hard not to think about Karkat’s words. He was also trying not to think about Eridan posing across the back of a chaise lounge, the photo only slightly marred by the bandage around his neck, his face going from sultry pout to helpless laughter as Karkat snapped pictures while yelling out lines plagiarised from a hundred shitty movies ( _more drama, dahling, yass! The camera loves you!)_

When he got in, Aradia and Feferi were in the kitchen, chatting over steaming cups of tea.

“Well that’s a turn-up for the books,” Aradia said, as he walked in, before sharing a knowing look with Feferi, who wiggled her fins in amusement.

“What?”

“You’re _smiling_ Sollux!” Feferi said, clapping her hands to her cheeks. Sollux bristled.

“So what? You’ve both seen me smile before. I’m not a moody git like-”

“Like Eridan?”

“He’s not – I – oh forget it.”

He made to stomp past Aradia into the livingroom, but she caught him by the arm.

“Wait Sollux – we didn’t mean to rile you, it’s just you don’t often come home from Eridan’s like this.”

“Yeah, you’re usually all angsty and stressed.” Feferi added, unhelpfully.

“I… had a good time. For once. Karkat was there.” He could hear how defensive he sounded and cursed inwardly. 

“Well good.” Aradia said soothingly, “If you’re happy, we’re happy – right?”

“Right!” Feferi stood up and hugged him, “It’s good that you’re not still all messed up about the whole Erisolsprite thing.”

Over her shoulder Sollux saw Aradia wince, then mouth _sorry_.

Sollux sighed and hugged Feferi tighter.

“Have you been swimming today?”

“No – why do I smell?” She pulled back and pouted at him, her eyes magnified perfectly behind her goggles.

Sollux laughed softly, “No dummy. I was just going to suggest a movie or something tonight – so if you wanted to do that, you could always swim now to get some energy out.

“Good idea,” Feferi pulled him close and flicked her fins out so they ticked his ears, then left the room to grab her trident.

Aradia waited until she’d left, then fixed Sollux in her heavy-lidded gaze.

“I promise we haven’t just been talking about you.”

“Don’t say that AA, my ego can’t take it.” Sollux attempted a Feferi-worthy pout and Aradia laughed.

“Jackass. But seriously, I’m glad this Eridan thing isn’t getting you down so much anymore.

“Yeah no. It’s fine. It’s… fun, actually. Sometimes. When he’s not being a huge pissy wriggler.”  


 

The next few days were… fine. Weird but fine. Sollux couldn’t stop thinking about the whole _kismesis_ thing, but Eridan took his mind off it by playing the sickest game of Cyvasse, and almost beating his high score in Battlezone. He’d even cooked dinner twice now… although by the look on his face, he still wasn’t exactly thrilled that he had to eat after cooking.

Halfway through dinner one night Sollux eyed Eridan critically across the table.

“What? It’s squid. Not fuckin’ poison.”

“You said this was one of your favourite meals.”

“Yeah?”

Sollux looked pointedly at Eridan full plate, “You still too full of guilt to eat then?”

Eridan flinched. “I… yeah maybe. I don’t know. Doesn’t matter.”

Sollux shrugged, “Just checking.”

Eridan picked up his cutlery and pushed half-heartedly at his food. Sollux took another huge bite of the squid (which he hadn’t decided if he liked yet or not), before continuing.

“It’s Kanaya, isn’t it?”

Eridan slammed his fork down, “Can you not?”

“What?”

“You’re not my moirail.”

“No. But I think I’ve put up with enough shit to get some answers - and _yes I’m here because I want to be so don’t start that again.”_ Eridan scowled at him, and Sollux scoffed, “Oh what? I can sew your wounds up, make you eat food, share your awful nightmares but _this_ is taboo.”

Eridan ground his teeth together, “I’m not comfortable with – look, you do that stuff because – well fuck if I know. But I don’t have to share everything with you anymore now I have my brain back.”

“No, but you could trust me enough to give me a few answers – because I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on in your head.”

“And you want to help me because...?”

“Well.” Sollux paused and Eridan grinned triumphantly.

“Answer that and I’ll explain mine.”

Sollux frowned. That wasn’t how this was supposed to go.

He could say _because you drive me up the wall but sharing a body has made me feel weirdly guilty concerning your safety and state of mind._ But that was exactly the thing that Eridan didn’t want to hear. And it wasn’t exactly true.

To buy time he shoved another ring of squid in his mouth and chewed, open mouthed just to see the ripple of disgust pass over Eridan’s face.

“Because… I think… if we didn’t hate each other so much we could be good… friends. We sort of are. So, because you are… sort of my friend I get to worry about you like I worry about all my other friends.”

Eridan raised an eyebrow. “Did you mean that to sound as lame as it came out, or...?”

“Oh fuck you.” Sollux snarled, sending a jolt of psionic energy up Eridan’s arm.

Eridan swore, slammed the table with his fist, then swore again as his broken fingers screamed in protest. “OW – Christ – yeah some friend you are, you sadistic asshole.”

“Okay fine! We’re not friends! You fucking do my head in, but I keep coming back here so what does that tell you, moron?”

Eridan quietened.

“Yeah! Chew that one over!” Sollux realised he was yelling mostly to cover his own mortification, “And while you’re at it eat some fucking squid because it’s getting cold and that doesn’t improve the flavour let me tell you.”

Eridan stared down at his plate and Sollux groaned theatrically.

“Fine. Eat four. I’ll take these ones. Now talk to me about Kanaya.”

It was Eridan’s turn to stall by eating, but Sollux didn’t care as long as he _was_ eating.

After a moment Eridan swallowed, winced, and said, “She was one of my best friends. And in most timelines I destroyed the project she’d poured her heart into, blew a hole in her stomach, and then she came back and killed me. Obviously I feel shit about it. What else do you want?” Eridan’s affected deadpan was ruined as he was so clearly trying to blink back tears.

Sollux sighed. Oh well. He’d broken the seal anyway.

He moved his chair round so he was next to Eridan and put his arm around Eridan’s bony shoulders.

“C’mere idiot.”

Eridan dropped his head onto Sollux’s shoulder, and Sollux could feel him shaking with silent tears.

Sollux wrapped his arms round him fully, “I’ve already seen you cry, it’s okay.”

“Fuh-fuck yuh-you,” Eridan choked out, grabbing tightly around Sollux’s waist, “Not a wuh-word to Karkat I swuh-swear to god.”

“Yeah no, that’d be its own punishment.” _Because of how fucking smug that little shit will be._

Eridan laughed weakly, and managed to get a hold on himself.

“She just fucking _despises_ me so much. I can’t blame her but it was – it was… scary.”

“At Kankri’s?”

“Yeah. I started writing an apology to her – ages ago – but I never sent it because – well what the fuck can she do with an apology?”

“And she might not accept it. And that’d be brutal.”

“Yeah. And understandable. Fuck. I just want to explain… I don’t know.”

Eridan trailed off and extricated himself from Sollux.

“Sorry about the wet patch,” he added, gesturing to Sollux’s shirt, “I got one hell of a dress you could change into if you wanted.”

Sollux laughed, “Yeah I think I’ll stick with this one. Tear stains and all. And okay. We can deal with Kanaya another day. For now, I need to reclaim my place as King of Cyvasse.”

Eridan sputtered, “You-? You’re on.”

 

 

 

A few days later, Karkat came over clearly fuming, his face set in a petulant scowl and his fists clenched at his sides.

“What’s up KK?” Eridan asked from where he was making cups of tea, “Problems at a meeting, or...?”

“Your fucking dancestor’s my problem. Him and Porrim.”

“What’ve they done now?” Eridan asked, frowning slightly. Did he need to give more blood or…?

“Oh yeah, sorry,” Sollux called from the sofa, “I haven’t really been keeping you up to date.”

Eridan whirled round, “Well what’s been going on –? Fill me in!”

“Well after attacking Dirk, Meenah, Vriska, Gamzee, and now Kurloz-”

“Wait _what_?”

Sollux carried on as if he hadn’t heard the interruption, “And now apparently Aranea’s gone off the deep end – attacked them both _and_ Kankri, and then I think Porrim chopped off her arm if the rumours I keep hearing are true-”

“Sollux what the fuck are you talking about – why don’t I know any of this?” Eridan felt his fins try to flare out in anger under their snug bandage. The reason was clear in the look Sollux and Karkat shared. _They didn’t want to upset me – been wrappin’ me in fuckin’ cotton wool._

“Eridan-” Karkat began in an infuriatingly placating tone.

“Oh forget it,” Eridan snapped, “I knew they were on some fucked up revenge quest, I just didn’t realise the extent. So why are you mad at them?”

“Because we keep asking them to stop going around hacking people to pieces – and they won’t fucking listen!” Karkat grumbled, “And they’ve pissed off, like, two-thirds of the people on this planet, including me – because the more I hear from Tavros, the more I think it was really shitty of them to go after Gamzee with barely any evidence.”

“Is… he okay?” Eridan asked, unsure if he cared or not.

“He will be. Kurloz on the other hand…”

“Wait what happened with Kurloz? I usually get the grisly detailed from FF – who hears it from Nepeta – but I haven’t been home since yesterday morning.”

Karkat sighed, “He got hurt. A lot. Which means Mituna’s pissed, which means Latula’s worried – and apparently Meulin’s been really affected by something. And god knows what Aranea’s going to do for payback after Porrim, and I can’t reiterate this enough, _chopped her fucking arm off._ ”

Eridan blinked, a little stunned by all the news. “I… should have started checking pesterchum again, huh?”

“Yeah probs,” Sollux said, frowning down at his phone, “and speaking of which… KK check your phone. ED… find your damn phone. Then check it.”

“Wait what?” Karkat fumbled for his shitty crab comm unit and Eridan watched the colour drain from his face.

“What?”

“Here,” Sollux found Eridan’s phone down the back of the sofa and threw it across the room.

Eridan was about to snap at him for being so careless with _his_ property, but then he saw the drama unfolding on the group chat.

AG: I think it will come as no surprise that, after the indignities suffered at the hands of Porrim and Cronus, I intend to come for them. Vriska and Meenah are firmly on my side, and anyone who wishes to join us will 8e welcome. Anyone standing against us will 8e crushed. You have 8een warned.

Eridan gaped at his screen, and turned to see Sollux pulling his husktop out of his sylladex, shoving it open and beginning to type furiously.

Eridan watched as the humans and trolls began to either pick a side or declare themselves not involved. He felt dizzy. It was funny, his universe had shrunk to his hive, Karkat and Sollux. It made his heart hammer to remember how many other people there were on the planet. _How many people forgot about you – no stop it stop it._  

He managed to focus in as Aranea chimed in again,

 

ARANEA: My, my, it really seems like it’s the low8loods who aren’t intelligent enough to see I’m in the right here.

MITUNA: W04H H3M0-H47R3D 0U7 0F 7HE L3F7 F13LD

MITUNA: 1M M4K1NG 4N 3FF0R7 70 N07 83 0FF3ND3D 4R4N34 – 1M 0N Y0UR FUCK1NG S1D3

Eridan felt his dry throat crackle as he swallowed, but posted nonetheless.

ERIDAN: yeah and ill thank you not to lump all highbloods in wwith you

Almost immediately, familiar fuchsia words appeared below his.

FEFERI: )(a)(a wow YOUR-E )(ere?? We t)(oug)(t you were still sulking in your )(ive!

SOLLUX: FF-

Across the room Sollux groaned, “She’s trying to be funny I swear – I know it sounds harsh.”

“Yeah thanks. I actually do know what she’s like,” Eridan muttered, then snorted as Karkat slammed enter on his message.

KARKAT: NO OFFENSE FEFERI BUT SHUT THE FUCK UP – AND ANYWAY ERIDAN’S RIGHT, NOT ALL HIGHBLOODS WANT IN ON THIS

FEFERI: wow RUD-E! 38(

FEFERI: but yes I’m keeping W-ELL out of this

The chat was moving at a furious pace now, but Eridan couldn’t help but notice his name being tagged – by, _oh for fuck’s sake,_ Vriska Serket nonetheless.

 

VRISKA: 8ut @eridan what the hell’s up with you????????

VRISKA: you used to actually H8VE a 8ackbone

VRISKA: this game really did a num8er on you, huh?

ERIDAN: fuck off

VRISKA: what do you even owe those guys?

ERIDAN: a lot more than I owwe you

ERIDAN: wwhich is jack shit, to be clear

VRISKA: fine. 8e a l8ser your whole life what do I care?

 

Eridan took a deep breath and looked away from his phone for a moment, trying the pretend the little notification buzzes were just some awful banter from Sollux - plausible since he was hunched over his husktop and typing furiously.

Eridan put his phone down with exaggerated care, moving gently as if to trick his body into thinking he was calm, when in reality he was _this close_ to a full-blown panic. He picked up the tea he had made earlier and focused on stopping his hands from shaking as he drank.

Another minute went by, and then Sollux shut the lid of his husktop with a snap.

“Okay. Well. That’s happening.” He said, a little uncertainly.

“We’re going for this whole _war_ thing then?”

“Yep,” Karkat said, blinking as though he barely understood the words on his phone screen, “Sides have been drawn up and we’re meeting at Porrim’s tomorrow to discuss tactics.”

“Who’s we?”

“Uh… well me, you, Sollux, then Equius, Nepeta, Horuss, Damara, Kanaya, Rose, Dirk, Roxy,” Sollux said, bringing the memo up on his phone, “– oh and obviously Porrim and Cronus who started this whole fucking mess.”

“Aranea started it.” Eridan retorted, trying not to panic at the thought of being in a hive with so many people – Kanaya included – tomorrow, “Who are we up against?”

“Aranea, Vriska, Meenah, Gamzee, Kurloz, and Mituna.” Sollux said glumly.

Eridan gaped, “Wow okay so we’ll outnumber them but we’ll be up against five superpowered high bloods and a mutant low blood potentially more powerful than you? Fucking A.”

Karkat made a noise behind them, and blushed when they turned to him.

 “Sorry, I just think I’d better – uh – Dave.” He stuttered. Eridan didn’t have the heart to laugh at him. He could feel the same panic churning in his stomach.

“Can you come here tomorrow before the meeting thing?”

“Yeah, no problem. Bye.” Karkat launched himself at them for a quick and clumsy hug, then left almost at a sprint.

 

“Okay, well, big day tomorrow.” Sollux said awkwardly. “Do you still want me to – I mean, we were going to change your bandages...?”

“Yeah, yeah let’s do that.” Eridan agreed, desperate not to think about the meeting to come. He was already finding his breath hitching as though the pressure of people’s eyes on him was constricting his throat.

“Relax. Idiot.” Sollux muttered as he dug around in his sylladex for the first aid kit. Once he’d found it he gestured Eridan over to the sofa and he sat down, suddenly wishing Karkat was still here to play ( _auspistice)_ buffer.

“Off,” Sollux said gruffly and Eridan obeyed, tugging first his jumper, then his t-shirt off, and shivering lightly in the cool air.

Sollux started by sitting next to him on the sofa and cutting away the bandages on his arms. The wounds underneath were almost fully closed; raised grey marks where open gashes had been. Sollux looked at him incredulously, “How the fuck do you highbloods heal so fast?”

Eridan shrugged, then bit his lip as Sollux, apparently fascinated, trailed a claw gently across one of the raised marks.

Sollux looked up, catching his eye, and then blushed, releasing the arm. “Sorry, it’s just – it’s been like… a week? Ten days? Not long anyway.”

“And when you broke your arm when you were younger you spent like four months hiding from the drones.” Eridan said without thinking, the images of a young Sollux huddling under his desk to hide his arm from their random sweeps suddenly clear in his mind.

“…Yeah,” Sollux whispered, “Exactly.” He went back to examining Eridan’s arms with more focus than was strictly necessary. “This one here - it’s only part way closed up and it looks swollen – infected.”

The gash was one Eridan had dragged into the flesh of his upper left arm. He still felt its sting beneath the bandages so he wasn’t surprised.

Sollux squeezed out some antiseptic gel and rubbed it into the wound, his fingers feeling hot and comforting against Eridan’s cool, high-blood skin.

When he was finished, he wrapped and tied off a bandage, then nodded.

“Okay um...” he gestured to the bandages around Eridan’s waist and chest, and Eridan laid back a little to allow Sollux to cut them away. In the quiet of the gently creaking hull he realised he was letting Sollux Captor of all people slide a sharp instrument along his stomach and slice away.

_The game really did a number on you…_

He left Sollux run his fingers over the scars around his waist and chest, before declaring them “basically fine.”

“You _might_ open them up by moving too quickly or, like, jerking around… You want bandages there or not?”

Eridan shrugged and Sollux seemed satisfied with that, moving up to the bandage around his neck.

“Hold still.”

“I am.”

Eridan shivered again, and then jerked back as he felt the warning crackle of psionic energy just before a spark leapt off Sollux’s fingertips.

“Shit – watch it!” He snapped, then, quieter he added, “Stressed?”

“Yes,” Sollux croaked, a yellow blush high on his angular cheeks. He didn’t meet Eridan’s eye and instead pulled the bandage from round Eridan’s neck with shaking hands. He was on his knees on the sofa now, looming just a little, his breath ghosting Eridan’s neck.

Eridan could see the pulse jumping in Sollux’s throat, and suddenly he got wind of the situation with a feeling that felt like he’d just been clubbed in the gut.

“Sollux,” he said softly pushing Sollux’s hands away from his neck, “Use your words.”

“Haha nope,” Sollux said, too breathy and too fast to be casual. “Let me finish this and then imma go fly myself into the ocean, okay?”

“No. You utter prat.”

Sollux grimaced and leaned his forehead gently against Eridan’s own, “Please just read my damn mind because I will die if I have to-”

“Oh for fucks-” Eridan surged up and kissed him just to stop the pathetic words coming out of his crooked mouth.

Sollux grinned and kissed him back, pushing him into the back of the sofa and laughing softly.

“Wwoww can you not laugh while you’re macking on me?”

“I’m sorry – it’s just – fucking 6 sweep me is half imploding with self-loathing and half really into this so-”

“Gross.”

Sollux kissed him again, letting one snaggly fang bite into his lip on purpose.

“Oh fuck off,” Eridan groaned, trying to suppress a huge grin.

“Okay, okay, sorry. Macking later. Right now we better think about this meeting.”

_Oh yeah. Shit._

Eridan felt any elation leave him with a _woomph_ , the meeting. Where there would be lots of people.

He fell still as Sollux finished cleaning the wound and re-tying the bandage around his neck.

“What?” Sollux said quietly, concentrating on keeping the bandage neat.

“The meeting.”

“Yeah, sort of thought all the wars and killing each other were over but what can you do. There.” He added, finishing the bandage and sitting back on the sofa, laying his legs over Eridan’s lap in an annoyingly familiar way.

“Not that. You _ass._ ”

“Yeah, I know,” Sollux mumbled, reaching instinctively for his phone.

“Can you not?” Eridan snapped, feeling the panic begin to build in the pit of his stomach.

Sollux sighed theatrically and put his phone on the floor.

“It’s going to be fine. Me and KK will be there to back you up – and if you don’t want to talk to anyone we’ll, like, form a protective wall around you.” He was clearly trying to lighten the mood, but Eridan just pressed his lips tighter together. Sollux sighed again. “Kanaya?”

“Yep.”

“Maybe this is a good thing – like ripping the band-aid off all at once?”

Eridan let out a bark of humourless laughter, and wrapped his arms around him as the tremors started in his hands.

“What are you worried about _specifically_?” Sollux said, withdrawing his legs and sitting back up so he could watch Eridan’s face.

 _Nothing… everything…_ It had been hard enough at Kankri’s house – and she had barely been in the same room as him for long, let alone spoken to him- but this would be different. He’d be expected to talk to people – wouldn’t he? He’d have to contribute – shit did he even know how to interact with people anymore??

It was the last thought he vocalised, and Sollux did him the courtesy of not laughing for once.

“You’re fine around me and KK. You’ll be fine there.”

Except he wouldn’t. He knew all eyes would be on him, the betrayer, the one who couldn’t be trusted

                _we’ve discussed it and everyone would feel more comfortable if you handed over your weapons_

He didn’t know if he could face Kanaya’s icy coldness again, but –

_You’re Eridan Ampora for fucks sake. You’re the best fucking Orphaner in a thousand sweeps._

But Sollux was looking at him intently, his phone on the floor. He’d be there for Eridan – ready to step in if needed. And Karkat would be there. And this whole thing was to help his stupid dancestor’s vengeance quest and he… really sort of owed Cronus.

“Ok. I’ll do it. Fuck’s sake.” He said, as if his windpipe wasn’t already closing in fear.

 

***

 

The first thought Eridan had when he sidled into Porrim’s hive with Sollux and Karkat was _I have to fucking get out of here._ The room was spacious, but there were so many _people_ it felt like it was too full to hold any oxygen. There was Porrim and Cronus perched up on and leaning against a desk respectively, The Zahhaks and Nepeta sat against the fall wall, Kankri and Meulin sat at the bottom of the stairs, and Rose, Kanaya and Roxy sat on cushions, with Dirk leaning against the wall next to them.

Eridan’s lungs began to burn almost immediately and his stomach clenched painfully. _What now? Where do we go? Where do we sit? Oh fuck I wanna go –_

Sollux, sensing his anxiety, threw him an exasperated look and grabbed his hand.

“Oh no you don’t,” he muttered under his breath, “Just come sit down, you’ll be fine.”

As Damara slunk in and Porrim began her speech, Eridan focused on scrunching down as small as he could behind Sollux so he was hidden from Kanaya’s sight-line, and focused on not vomiting up the tiny breakfast he’d managed to get down earlier, but when he heard her suggest grouping together in hives and just bracing for attacks, he couldn’t hold his tongue.

“But what’s the _plan_ – what battle tactics are we employin’?”

Porrim’s head snapped round, and Eridan shrunk into himself a little further. _That was too loud – don’t interrupt her – oh god everyone’s looking –_

“What you do know about tactics, chief?” Cronus asked, and the question pulled him from panic straight into righteous indignation.

“Everythin’.” Cronus raised an eyebrow and Eridan had to stop himself from snarling. _Are you seriously questioning me on this-?_ “I’ve been studyin’ military history since I was old enough to read, and doing extreme LARPing since I was three sweeps old. And-” he stopped suddenly, the words getting caught in his throat. He forced himself to finish the sentence, however, winces at how hoarse and weak his voice sounded, “And, well, I was Feferi’s Orphaner for as long as I can remember so – so-”

“So he knows what he’s talking about.” Karkat said, his tone daring anyone to disagree, “and we should listen to him.”

Porrim looked thoughtfully at Eridan and _oh god why does she have to look so much like Kan right now -?_  “Sure…Come up here, so we can see you, and tell us your thoughts.”

She smiled, clearly thinking Eridan would be pleased, instead he nearly had a heart attack.

“Hey idiot, c’mon,” Sollux muttered, squeezing his hand tightly, “You want us all to die? Or do you wanna bust out your Cyvasse-honed battle _skillz_.”

“Fuck. You.” Eridan croaked, before standing up slowly on shaking legs. _Can I just die right now? Would that be okay?_

“Well, uh, look, it actually makes more sense for us to be on the offensive,” he began, sitting behind the chair to put a barrier between himself and the audience, studiously looking down at the desk instead of meeting the eyes he could feel burning into him.

The more he spoke, however, the easier it got, as the battle played out before his eyes on the desktop – just like Cyvasse, in fact, although he’d never admit it to Sollux. If he kept his eyes on the desk, it wasn’t even hard to answer the questions that were thrown his way – and he felt a little more confident the more he spoke, until he managed to look Porrim full in the face to answer her question.

_I know what the fuck I’m talking about, and no one’s activity booing or shoving me out the door – so maybe this will be okay...?_

He felt like beaming, right up until he started laying out plans for a sharp-shooter unit with Cronus Roxy and himself, and the moment in the cave where he’d handed over his weapons came slamming back into his head, derailing him completely.

                w _e’ve all discussed it_

“That is, if I – am I allowed a gun?” There was silence for only a brief second – but that second felt like the longest of his life, until Karkat piped up, as loud as ever.

“Yes - You can have Ahab’s fucking Crosshairs if we can figure out how to alchemise it.”

“Just no wands.”

Eridan looked over and Kanaya had just finished applying a fresh layer of lipstick. Her eyes met his as she clicked the tube closed and Eridan felt ice flood his veins, transported back to that moment when the chainsaw blades had eaten into his midriff -

Kanaya kept her stare level, and Eridan couldn’t look away as she held the lipstick in her hands, gently rubbing her lips to spread the lipstick, and seeming for all the world as if she were actually gnashing her teeth in fury.

 “Uhh, okay, great,” Eridan croaked out, hands shaking and stomach roiling miserably. _Get me out of here get me out -_

 “And what about the rest of us – me, Rose and Kanaya?” Porrim asked quickly, her words seeming to come from miles away, as though Eridan was suddenly at the bottom of an impossibly deep well, “You haven’t mentioned us yet.”

It took a second for her words to sink in, and then he coughed, embarrassed, managing to look away from Kanaya, but no longer able to meet her dancestor’s eyes, as Kanaya’s own continued to penetrate him with their icy glare

“M-Meenah,” he whispered to the desk, “She’s going to be a formidable enemy – actually once the psychics are down – _if_ we get the psychics down – the Zahhaks should move to take her on, ideally. Then there’s the Makaras – these three shouldn’t be faced one-on-one, but with as many opponents as possible. It needs refinin’ but that’s – that’s all I’ve got for now.” He added, pushing back from the desk and having to stop himself from actually sprinting back to the relative safety of Karkat and Sollux.

“Well,” Porrim said, clapping her hands together, “I’m glad to have you on the team, most of what you’ve said would never have occurred to me.” Eridan managed to smile queasily at her and _oh thank god,_ she dismissed the meeting.

“Let’s go, can we go?” He hissed, pinching impatiently at Sollux, who slapped his hand away, but thankfully didn’t waste any time moving to the door. They were almost safe when -

“Hey Eridan.” Eridan froze. Kanaya. _Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod -_

He turned slowly, feeling tears suddenly choke his throat. He couldn’t bear to look up into those icy eyes, but the swish of skirt and the click of sensible shoes in front of him was unmistakable.

 “H-hi Kanaya.” He whispered, immediately cursing himself. _Hi? She doesn’t want to say hi to you, she wants to kill you! Again! And you deserve it!_

“Look at me,” she demanded, and Eridan felt the tremor in his hands worsen.

_Come on you’re Eridan Ampora_

_Oh, she knows, don’t worry, she knows…_

Sollux grabbed his hand again and he forced himself to raise his head.

“I’m sorry for… throwing you, back there.” Kanaya said, a worried little wrinkle in her brow, “That wasn’t kind.”

Eridan gaped. The ice had thawed in her gaze. She clearly wasn’t comfortable, but at the same time - “What…?”

Kanaya frowned, and began to repeat herself, “I said I’m sorry-”

“ _I’m_ sorry,” Eridan choked out, mortified as hot tears fell from his eyes. “I’m sorry for everything- for killing you and-”

Kanaya reached out – and he almost flinched, but suddenly her arms were around him and Kanaya _always puts up with way too much of my stupid bullshit_ Maryam was there, holding him close.

 “I think we’re about even, don’t you?” she said softly, and Eridan gave a little half-laugh, half-sob and just clung to her.

“I missed you.” He managed to choke out and Kanaya hummed into his ear.

“I missed you too. And now I think we ought to talk.”

 

 

“So,” Kanaya said softly, once they were positioned around a table in her hive, a tray of tea and cakes between them. “I think I would like an explanation for your behaviour in certain timelines, but perhaps I should preface that with an apology. I am sorry I singled you out at that meeting where I took your weapons. I just… I can be vindictive in my own way.”

Eridan just nodded, his throat suddenly dry and crackling.

“Whenever I saw you, all I could think of was – and this may sound silly – but long ago, before the game, you said something once. You were explaining how your plans to kill all land-dwellers didn’t involve me. You said: _I’m not goin’ to vvery wwell kill you am I? That wwould be fuckin’ unconscionable. Wwhat kind of friend wwould I be?”_ She spoke in a decent imitation of his accent, staring off into the middle distance. “And then you did, in fact, kill me. But not before destroying what I had been working on for so long.”

She sighed and took a sip of tea, while Eridan burned with shame.

“But I’m not blameless myself. I made your wand. And it made you feel powerful and important but I meant it as a joke. A cruel joke. And I chain-sawed you in half. So.”

She took another sip of tea and set the cup aside.

“I think I shouldn’t have bought my baggage from the game here, because so many things happened in so many ways. Everyone betrayed everyone. Everyone killed everyone. Everything that could have gone wrong, did. But we’re here now. It’s like a blank slate. A second chance. Now please say something because quite frankly you’re scaring me.”

Eridan started, “Sorry, uh, yes. You wwanted an explanation?” He mentally cursed as his “W” wavered, _just like how Sollux’s lisp comes back when he’s stressed._ “I don’t have a good one. Just that I was scared and angry and felt hopeless so-”

“So you took our hope too.” Kanaya nodded. “Honestly if Rose had a chance to stop playing doctorturer I think she could do some fine work as psichologist for us all.”

“So, did you mean what you said,” Eridan mumbled, “about a clean slate?”

“Yes. Or rather… it will be a slate that has been shattered and painstakingly glued back together. I think the cracks will still show no matter how it’s assembled, but I’m sure, in time, we can learn to live with that. What do you say?”

Eridan reached across the table and gripped her forearm, nodding blindly.

 

The night before the battle, Karkat, Sollux, Aradia, Feferi, Rose and Kanaya convened in Eridan’s hive.

“Sounds like one hell of a fight you’re going to have tomorrow,” Feferi said, brow furrowed in worry as she helped Sollux serve up dinner.

“Let’s not focus on that, let’s focus on this frankly incredible stew I’ve made,” Aradia said, her tone a soft admonishment, with just enough cheek to make Feferi blush and nod in agreement.

“What’s in this?” Kanaya asked politely, passing round thick slices of grubloaf and tactfully moving the wine they’d bought slightly further away from Rose on the table.

“Lots of veggies, shit ton of spices and herbs and whatever, and a load of fish. ‘Cause thanks to _this guy_ I really love fish now.” Sollux said, elbowing Eridan and snorting at the middle finger he got in return.

Eridan could feel a fragile happiness swelling in his chest as the people around him laughed and ate. Sollux nudged him again as Karkat went off on a rant, relying on the loud explosion of words to cover him.

“What’s the matter? Not hungry?”

Eridan opened his mouth to explain how happy and scared and brilliant and awful this was. The slate was far too fragile, there were a million and one ways he could fuck this up - and they could _die_ tomorrow. But Sollux had that infuriatingly cocky grin tugging at the corner of his mouth, and it was a challenge he couldn’t help but raise to.

“No fuck that, I’m starving.”

 

 


End file.
